An emotional account of a boss and his workers (Part II)

[hatimhussain]

I have fabricated the following story to find out my mistakes in;

1. The usage of tenses.
2. The usage of vocabulary
3. Orderliness

Please guide me.

PART-II

1. Another change occurred in Robert. Ever punctual, Robert would now visit the company for only couple of days in a week.

2. He would not call anyone in his chamber, not even Tony whom he used to call, once he got to the company to discuss the day plan.

3. Tony, would not know at what time Robert came and left the office.

4. Tony was anxious to talk to Robert about company’s affairs which were getting worse due to his inattention.

5. But he could not gather courage in himself to bear further humiliation by his boss.

6. “I merely am an employee of this company, not a business-partner, to discuss such vital issues.” He comforted himself.

7.One morning, while Tony was about to enter the company’s gate, he heard Robert calling him from behind. Sitting in his car, he beckoned Tony.

8. Nature itself provided him a chance to unfold the mystery behind sudden transformation in Robert’s character.

9. Tony rushed towards Robert’s car. Robert opened the front door for Tony to sit beside him.

10. Tony was shocked to see Robert’s pale and shriveled face. He looked older than his age.

11. Sunk down onto his car’s seat, Robert looked terribly sick. He could not believe his eyes to see such a collapse in Robert’s health.

12.Robert stared at the windscreen for a few moments and then turned towards Tony.

13. “Let me confess that I am guilty of insulting you and other workers’ feelings. Please forgive me and convey my apologies to all the workers”;
saying this he reclined in his seat. He was gasping while saying those words.

14. Robert’s trembling voice pierced through Tony’s heart. His teary eyes were signaling something ominous.

15. “Forget about what you did with us, just please tell me what has happened with you; maybe I could help you”, said Tony.

16. “I have been diagnosed with… blood cancer”- he got a lump in his throat while saying those words. “It has spread throughout my body… and doctors say I can hardly survive for two to three months.”

TO BE CONTINUED...

 

[Tarheel]

Don't use fabricated. Instead, say:

I wrote this story.

 

[Tarheel]

1. Another change occurred in Robert. Previously, he was never late. Now, however, he only showed up for work a couple of days a week.

 

[Tarheel]

I am not sure what you mean by "He would not call anyone in his chamber" and I have no suggestions for that one.
:-|

 

[hatimhussain]

I tried to say that before his illness it was Robert’s routine that he would call Tony first thing in the morning to discuss the day’s plan. However, after his illness he would not call even Tony in his room to discuss about company’s matter just because now Robert was not himself.

 

[Tarheel]

He stopped talking to Tony in his office. And they stopped talking about company business.

 

[Tarheel]

7. One morning, when Tony was about to enter the company's premises (walk through the gate), he heard Robert calling to him from behind. Sitting in his car, he beckoned to Tony.

 

[Tarheel]

8. the sudden transformation in Robert's character.

Tony rushed towards Robert's car.

There's nothing wrong with that sentence, but it is unlikely Tony would do that unless Robert was having some kind of medical emergency. Instead, I would expect Tony to walk there normally.

 

[hatimhussain]

Perhaps Two things made Tony rush towards Robert.
1.Since Tony did not have a chance to meet Robert for last many days, on impulse he rushed towards Robert.
2.Since the business affairs of the company were worsening, he anxiously wanted to discuss it with Robert; perhaps this made Tony rush towards Robert.

 

[Tarheel]

13. "Let me confess that I am guilty of insulting you and others."

 

[Tarheel]

Perhaps:

Tony hadn't seen Robert for many days. He was eager to see him and find out how he was doing.

 

[Tarheel]

13. "Let me confess that I am guilty of insulting you and the other workers. Please forgive me and convey my apologies to all the workers.,

While saying that he reclined in his seat. He was gasping for breath while he was talking.

 

[Tarheel]

15. "Forget about what you did to us. Just please tell me what has happened to you. Maybe I can help," said Tony.

 

[Tarheel]

16. "I have been diagnosed with leukemia." He got a lump in his throat while saying that. "The doctors say I only have a couple of months left."