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  1. Banned
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    #1

    A game that meant a lot to my childhood.

    Please fix. It's not homework. I wrote this for practice.

    I was exposed to the realm of video games early on in my childhood. The first titles I tried had poor visuals, clumsy game play mechanics, and tedious level designs. At that time, this led me to forming the conception that video games were a dull means to kill time. However, in 2009, my parents bought me a PS2 for Christmas with a game that had been recommended by the cashier. It was Resident Evil 4 (RE4).
    Due to my previous unfortunate experience with video games, I thought my parents had squandered money on the console, but I feigned surprise and excitement, as I didn't want them to feel disappointed. The night before Christmas, after my family and I had (had?) dinner, I rushed into my room, plugged the console on my TV, inserted the RE4 disc in the console, and started the game. Not even an hour elapsed and I was already glued to the coach. The scenery of the rural village, the design of the infected inhabitants, the music, the plot, and the guns created a unique and unnerving atmosphere that had me vigilant and immersed. That night, I spent five hours on end in front of the TV shooting up villagers, exploring my surroundings, and collecting as much treasures and eggs as I could to sell them later on to the merchant.

  2. Tarheel's Avatar
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    #2

    Re: A game that meant a lot to my childhood.

    I have never seen that phrase (the realm of video games) before. Is it your own invention?
    Not a professional teacher

  3. emsr2d2's Avatar
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    #3

    Re: A game that meant a lot to my childhood.

    Quote Originally Posted by Captain View Post
    Please fix the following. It's not homework. I wrote this it for practice.

    I was exposed to the realm of video games early on in my childhood. The first titles I tried had poor visuals, clumsy gameplay mechanics, and tedious level designs. At that time, This led me to forming the conception think that video games were a dull means way to kill time. However, in for Christmas 2009, my parents bought me a PS2 for Christmas with a game that had been recommended by the cashier. It was Resident Evil 4 (RE4).
    Note my corrections and suggested changes above. Some parts were simply unnecessarily wordy and, as a result, awkward. There is no reason to use "This led me to forming the conception" when what you mean is "This led me to think".
    Remember - if you don't use correct capitalisation, punctuation and spacing, anything you write will be incorrect.

  4. Tarheel's Avatar
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    #4

    Re: A game that meant a lot to my childhood.

    I would say:

    Not an hour had passed before I was hooked on the game.
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  5. Banned
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    #5

    Re: A game that meant a lot to my childhood.

    Thank you for your suggestions. May I post the second part of my passage?

  6. Editor, UsingEnglish.com
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    #6

    Re: A game that meant a lot to my childhood.

    plugged the console on my TV
    Wouldn't you plug it in/into your TV?

  7. Tarheel's Avatar
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    #7

    Re: A game that meant a lot to my childhood.

    Quote Originally Posted by Captain View Post
    Thank you for your suggestions. May I post the second part of my passage?
    Two things. One, you haven't bothered to respond to my posts. Two, that's awfully polite of you, but you don't have to ask permission to post something. (You might want to start a new thread for that.)
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  8. Banned
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    #8

    Re: A game that meant a lot to my childhood.

    I did express my appreciation for your suggested phrasing, which is as expected, better than mine.
    Regarding your first question, I thought it was rethorical.
    In any case, yes, I stretched the definition of "realm" but it seems it didn't mesh with video games.
    Last edited by Captain; 28-Apr-2020 at 18:00.

  9. jutfrank's Avatar
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    #9

    Re: A game that meant a lot to my childhood.

    Quote Originally Posted by Captain View Post
    I was exposed to the realm of video games early on in my childhood. The first titles I tried had poor graphics, clumsy gameplay mechanics, and tedious level designs. At that time, this led me to forming the conception that video games were a dull means to kill time. However, in 2009, my parents bought me a PS2 for Christmas with a game that had been recommended by the cashier. It was Resident Evil 4 (RE4).
    Due to my previous unfortunate experience with video games, I thought my parents had squandered money on the console, but I feigned surprise and excitement, as I didn't want them to feel disappointed. The night before Christmas, after my family and I had (had?) dinner, I rushed into my room, plugged the console into my TV, inserted the RE4 disc in the console, and started the game. Not even an hour elapsed and I was already glued to the couch. The scenery of the rural village, the design of the infected inhabitants, the music, the plot, and the guns created a unique and unnerving atmosphere that had me vigilant and immersed. That night, I spent five hours on end in front of the TV shooting up villagers, exploring my surroundings, and collecting as much treasures and eggs as I could to sell them on later on to the merchant.
    See the corrections above.

    Quote Originally Posted by Captain View Post
    May I post the second part of my passage?
    Yes, go ahead.

  10. emsr2d2's Avatar
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    #10

    Re: A game that meant a lot to my childhood.

    Quote Originally Posted by Captain View Post
    rethorical.
    rhetorical
    Remember - if you don't use correct capitalisation, punctuation and spacing, anything you write will be incorrect.

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