Order placement

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poongodi

Junior Member
Joined
Jan 21, 2017
Member Type
Student or Learner
Native Language
Tamil
Home Country
India
Current Location
India
Please edit my letter.
Dear sir/Madam,
As we are in need of currency notes counting machine hereby we place a order for one note counting machine from your end. Further we request you to deliver the machine as soon as possible to us for providing good customer service to our customers during the lockdown period.
 

Yankee

Banned
Joined
Sep 13, 2013
Member Type
Retired English Teacher
Native Language
English
Home Country
United States
Current Location
United States
Please edit my letter.

Dear Sir/Madam,
[STRIKE]As[/STRIKE] We are in need of a currency notes counting machine [STRIKE]hereby we place a order for one note counting machine from your end[/STRIKE]. [STRIKE]Further we request you to[/STRIKE] Please deliver [STRIKE]the[/STRIKE] a machine as soon as possible to us [STRIKE]for providing good customer[/STRIKE] so that we can continue to provide quality service to our customers during the lockdown period.
My shot.
 

Charlie Bernstein

VIP Member
Joined
Jan 28, 2009
Member Type
Other
Native Language
English
Home Country
United States
Current Location
United States
Good job, Yankee. Big improvement.

Poongodi, you can shorten it even more:

- Change We are in need of to We need.

- Change deliver a machine to deliver one.

- Change as soon as possible to us to as soon as possible.

- Change provide quality service to our customers to serve our customers. (No need to mention quality. They know you don't want to provide poor service!)

- Change lockdown period to lockdown.​

Business letters should be concise. Wordy business letters waste readers' time.
 
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