Allow me to comment:
I find the content of the piece very interesting but I have trouble with the organisation. It strikes me as more than a little messy, which makes it hard-going to follow.
I'm wondering whether if I gave these four paragraphs to a C1 class as a jigsaw reading exercise they would order them in the same sequence as you have them. I'm not sure they would. I think paragraph 1 (P1) makes more sense after P2, for example.
With how much detail did you plan each paragraph before you started writing? How about discourse linkers? How much did you consciously consider those? I can't see much evidence of that. Where exactly are the connectors (whether they be grammatical, lexical, logical, stylistic or whatever) that link the paragraphs/ideas together coherently?
If you were a teacher, assessing this for cohesion and coherence, what comments would you make? Think about what exactly the function of each paragraph is, and how exactly the content relates to the previous/following one, and also to the text as a whole.

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