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  1. Newbie
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    #1

    A man stood alone next to the window

    Hello, I'm trying to write a short story in order to practice my English but I'm not sure if my descriptive sequences sound natural. This is one of them:

    "A man stood alone next to the window. The view of his back was tall and straight but lonely, just like a lone eagle at night. The man’s exposed upper body looked like Michelangelo’s David. His chest and abdomen were taut and full of muscles. His imposing build allowed others to easily guess the power he possessed. His eyes were hawk-like, and they seemed to be almost completely swallowed by hatred."

    I would appreaciate any comments or suggestions on how I can improve and make my writing more concise and fluent.

    Thank you

  2. Charlie Bernstein's Avatar
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    #2

    Re: A man stood alone next to the window

    Quote Originally Posted by Moharo View Post
    Hello, I'm trying to write a short story in order to practice my English, but I'm not sure if my descriptive sequences sound natural. This is one of them:

    "A man stood alone at the window. The view of his back was From behind, he looked/seemed/appeared tall and straight but lonely,

    A view can't be tall, straight, or lonely. What you see can be.

    I also wonder whether he's looking out the window or just standing near it. If he's looking out, we'd say he stood looking out the window.

    And can someone look lonely from behind?


    just like a lone eagle at night. The man’s exposed upper body looked like Michelangelo’s David. His chest and abdomen were taut and full of muscles.

    If we're behind him, we can't see his chest or abdomen.


    His imposing build allowed others to easily guess the power he possessed. His eyes were hawk-like, and they seemed to be almost completely swallowed by hatred."

    Some people would prefer "to guess easily" so the infinitive doesn't get split. The way you have it is fine with me.


    I would
    appreciate any comments or suggestions on how I can improve my writing and make it more concise and fluent.

    Thank you
    .
    That's a lively bit of prose.

    Welcome, Moharo!
    Last edited by Charlie Bernstein; 10-Oct-2020 at 22:56.
    I'm not a teacher. I speak American English. I've tutored writing at the University of Southern Maine and have done a good deal of copy editing and writing, occasionally for publication.

  3. Tarheel's Avatar
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    #3

    Re: A man stood alone next to the window

    Say:

    I'm writing a short story in order to practice my English.

    And:

    The man stood at the window.

    You don't need to add that he was alone.
    Not a professional teacher

  4. Charlie Bernstein's Avatar
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    #4

    Re: A man stood alone next to the window

    Quote Originally Posted by Tarheel View Post
    Say:

    I'm writing a short story in order to practice my English.

    And:

    The man stood at the window.

    You don't need to add that he was alone.
    And now that you mention it, he can't be alone if someone is looking at his back.

    Thanks for that!
    I'm not a teacher. I speak American English. I've tutored writing at the University of Southern Maine and have done a good deal of copy editing and writing, occasionally for publication.

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