A man stood alone next to the window

[Moharo]

[FONT=&quot]Hello, I'm trying to write a short story in order to practice my English but I'm not sure if my descriptive sequences sound natural. This is one of them:

"A man stood alone next to the window. The view of his back was tall and straight but lonely, just like a lone eagle at night. The man’s exposed upper body looked like Michelangelo’s David. His chest and abdomen were taut and full of muscles. His imposing build allowed others to easily guess the power he possessed. His eyes were hawk-like, and they seemed to be almost completely swallowed by hatred."

[/FONT][FONT=&quot]I would appreaciate any comments or suggestions on how I can improve and make my writing more concise and fluent.

Thank you
[/FONT]

 

[Charlie Bernstein]

Hello, I'm trying to write a short story in order to practice my English, but I'm not sure if my descriptive sequences sound natural. This is one of them:

"A man stood alone at the window. [STRIKE]The view of his back was [/STRIKE]From behind, he looked/seemed/appeared tall and straight but lonely,

A view can't be tall, straight, or lonely. What you see can be.

I also wonder whether he's looking out the window or just standing near it. If he's looking out, we'd say he stood looking out the window.

And can someone look lonely from behind?

[STRIKE]just[/STRIKE] like a lone eagle at night. The man’s exposed upper body looked like Michelangelo’s David. His chest and abdomen were taut and full of muscles.

If we're behind him, we can't see his chest or abdomen.

His imposing build allowed others to easily guess the power he possessed. His eyes were hawk-like, and they seemed to be almost completely swallowed by hatred."

Some people would prefer "to guess easily" so the infinitive doesn't get split. The way you have it is fine with me.

I would appreciate any comments or suggestions on how I can improve my writing and make it more concise and fluent.

Thank you.

That's a lively bit of prose.

Welcome, Moharo!

 

[Tarheel]

Say:

I'm writing a short story in order to practice my English.

And:

The man stood at the window.

You don't need to add that he was alone.

 

[Charlie Bernstein]

Say:

I'm writing a short story in order to practice my English.

And:

The man stood at the window.

You don't need to add that he was alone.

And now that you mention it, he can't be alone if someone is looking at his back.

Thanks for that!