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  1. Key Member
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    #1

    the outlines of a jagged mountain

    Hello.

    I am trying to describe a situation when someone is looking at a river and also distant in the horizon he can see mountains.

    I thought about it a lot and this is what I have now:

    At night, he went for a walk along the river. As he stared at the flow of the river, a ghastly smell was wafting from the surface of the water. Out in the western horizon of the city, after the dim light of a ramshackle building, he could make out the dark outlines of a jagged mountain peak.

    I know it can be made better.

  2. Charlie Bernstein's Avatar
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    #2

    Re: the outlines of a jagged mountain

    Quote Originally Posted by alpacinoutd View Post
    Hello.

    I am trying to describe a situation where/in which someone is looking at a river and also far off on/far away on the horizon he can see mountains.

    I thought about it a lot and this is what I have now:

    At night, he went for a walk along the river. As he stared at the flow of the river, a ghastly smell was wafting from the surface of the water. Out on the western horizon of the city, beyond the dim light of a ramshackle building, he could make out the dark outline of a jagged mountain peak.

    I know it can be made better.
    It's good. One small point:

    "At night" usually implies that he does it every night. But the second sentence suggests that this is a particular night.

    - If he's just going for a walk on one particular night, the first sentence should begin with something like One night or That night.

    - If he goes for a walk every night, the second sentence should begin with something like That night or Tonight. And if you want to be as picky as I am, you could change a walk to walks.
    I'm not a teacher. I speak American English. I've tutored writing at the University of Southern Maine and have done a good deal of copy editing and writing, occasionally for publication.

  3. Key Member
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    #3

    Re: the outlines of a jagged mountain

    Quote Originally Posted by Charlie Bernstein View Post
    It's good. One small point:

    "At night" usually implies that he does it every night. But the second sentence suggests that this is a particular night.

    - If he's just going for a walk on one particular night, the first sentence should begin with something like One night or That night.

    - If he goes for a walk every night, the second sentence should begin with something like That night or Tonight. And if you want to be as picky as I am, you could change a walk to walks.
    It's great to have you here Charlie.

  4. Key Member
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    #4

    Re: the outlines of a jagged mountain

    Can I say "black flow" if it's dark? I know "dark flow" works but I don't want to repeat dark.

  5. Charlie Bernstein's Avatar
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    #5

    Re: the outlines of a jagged mountain

    Yes. Water is black at night.
    I'm not a teacher. I speak American English. I've tutored writing at the University of Southern Maine and have done a good deal of copy editing and writing, occasionally for publication.

  6. Tarheel's Avatar
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    #6

    Re: the outlines of a jagged mountain

    Gosh Alpa, you agonize over every single word. (Are you writing a novel?) As for me, I probably wouldn't bother to mention that the river is dark. It's night time!
    Not a professional teacher

  7. Charlie Bernstein's Avatar
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    #7

    Re: the outlines of a jagged mountain

    Quote Originally Posted by Tarheel View Post
    Gosh Alpa, you agonize over every single word. (Are you writing a novel?) As for me, I probably wouldn't bother to mention that the river is dark. It's night time!
    You're right. I think Al is just trying to create a mood.
    I'm not a teacher. I speak American English. I've tutored writing at the University of Southern Maine and have done a good deal of copy editing and writing, occasionally for publication.

  8. Key Member
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    #8

    Re: the outlines of a jagged mountain

    Quote Originally Posted by Tarheel View Post
    Gosh Alpa, you agonize over every single word. (Are you writing a novel?) As for me, I probably wouldn't bother to mention that the river is dark. It's night time!
    I enjoy being meticulous. That's how I've taught myself learn the beautiful language that is English.

  9. emsr2d2's Avatar
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    #9

    Re: the outlines of a jagged mountain

    Quote Originally Posted by alpacinoutd View Post
    I enjoy being meticulous. That's how I've taught myself to learn the beautiful language that is English.
    See above.
    Remember - if you don't use correct capitalisation, punctuation and spacing, anything you write will be incorrect.

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