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    • Member Info
      • Native Language:
      • Chinese
      • Home Country:
      • Hong Kong
      • Current Location:
      • Hong Kong

    • Join Date: Oct 2005
    • Posts: 49
    #1

    Is there anyone who can help me correct it?

    hihi everybody,
    I am now writing a letter for the job I am looking for. Here is my letter.
    hihi,
    nice to meet you all. My name is XXX. I am a 23 years old girl living in Hong Kong.
    I have just worked in ABC Hospital for 6 months. I have been a general service assistant there. The jobs I have to do there are vehicles register and to show people where some departments of the hospital are. It is boring and I haven't done it well. But please don't mind. Actually, the contract is soon to be ended. And I have to look for a new job.
    I am now looking for a clerical job here. I live in TM and I prefer to work in TM Hospital or CP Hospital. Is there any problem? If no, will you employ me? If you employ me, I will try my best to finish all the tasks I have anyway. And I hope I can work happily with any of my colleagues there. Anyway, I am looking forward to hearing from you. Thank you for taking the time to read what I have written.
    Yours faithfully,
    XXX
    Is there anything wrong?
    And one more question, if you are the employer, will you employ me?
    Please give me some advice ^_^
    Last edited by littlebaby; 13-Oct-2006 at 15:29.

    • Member Info
      • Native Language:
      • British English
      • Home Country:
      • UK
      • Current Location:
      • Laos

    • Join Date: Nov 2002
    • Posts: 57,903
    #2

    Re: Is there anyone who can help me correct it?

    This letter doesn't work for me- you say things like 'I haven't done well', the tone is not formal enough. I'd do something like this:
    Dear xxxx


    I have been working in ABC hospital for six months as a general service assistant and I would like to move into a clerical position, a job that I would be able to discharge professionally and diligently, in TM hospital or CP hospital, as I live in TM.

    Should you require any further information, please contact me.

    Thanking you in advance, I look forward to hearing from you.

    • Member Info
      • Native Language:
      • Chinese
      • Home Country:
      • Hong Kong
      • Current Location:
      • Hong Kong

    • Join Date: Oct 2005
    • Posts: 49
    #3

    Re: Is there anyone who can help me correct it?

    Thank you for your advice, Tdol.
    I think it is very helpful to me.
    Acutally, I don't have any requirement for further information. Thanks anyway ^_^

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