An e-mail

[Economist2010]

Hi All,

Appreciate your support to edit this email that I am going to send yo a CEO

The e-mail:

"I am writing to you today after my recent success with Bloom company, assisting it to report positive figures after many months of reporting negative figures, and decreasing dormancy percentage from 7% to 5%. The CEO himself acknowledged that achievement, and I thanked him for that in public on LinkedIn.

I hope that I can get another chance with you but in another capacity of Customer Value Management and I commited that the figures of CVM will be doubled within 3 months time or else I myself will leave.

Yes, I am ex- employee of your company but the nature of the function I was taking care of didn't allow me to use my full capabilities.I was handle the regionalisation function that has many issue owing to security, network, and logistics issues and it was not easy to get a positive result within a probation period of 6 month."

[Rover_KE]

Welcome, EE.

I have to go out now, but I'll look at your email later if no one else sees it first.

[Tarheel]

Hi All,

I would appreciate your help with editing this email that I am going to send to a CEO

The e-mail:

"I am writing to you today after my recent success with Bloom company, assisting it to report positive figures after many months of reporting negative figures, and decreasing dormancy percentage from 7% to 5%. The CEO himself acknowledged that achievement, and I thanked him for that in public on LinkedIn.

I hope that I can get another chance with you but in the capacity of Customer Value Management and I promise that the figures of CVM will be doubled within three months time or else I myself will leave.

Yes, I am an ex- employee of your company, but the nature of the function I was responsible for didn't allow me to use my full capabilities. I was handling the regionalisation function that has many issues including security, network, and logistics issues and it was not easy to get a positive result within a probation period of six months."

I might have missed a thing or two.

[Economist2010]

Thanks Tarheel.

I am going to send this e-mail to a CEO so it should be written in the most eloquent way possible. Can you help me in re-writing it in your way.

[Rover_KE]

With Tarheel's amendments, it's fine as it is.

[Tarheel]

I don't think eloquence is what you look for in a business letter. I think you want to say what you mean to say as precisely as possible.