Results 1 to 4 of 4
  1. #1

    Unhappy Please help me correct this!!First post from a New Member! Begging for help!!!

    this is my first draft, my teacher said it's so dull and uninteresting essay. He wants me to combine sentences, use more conjunction and dependent and independent clauses in the essay. Can someone please help me out!!! It's till Friday night, i know I am so last minute, I am staying up late and I found out this forum by searching on google. Can someone please help!! thanks.

    There was once a girl. Her name was Yolanda. She was from Pasadena. She attended Pasadena City College. Despite she was beautiful and a good personality, no one knew these things.

    It was because of her family situation. Her father drank all the time. He never let her leave the house except for school. Her mother was too shy to stand up for Yoyo. Yoyo was the youngest child. The older brothers had run away and moved to Montebello. They rarely come back and visited their father because they hated him.

    Yoyo worked hard in school. She got straight A’s. She applied for a scholarship to Cal State LA. She had to write an essay when she applied for the scholarship and she wrote about her alcoholic father. The essay didn’t say who the man was. The narrator said she loved her father. It said that he was killing himself with alcohol.

    Yoyo’s father found the essay. He got very angry. She heard him yelling and he was running to her room. She was scared her father will beat her up; therefore she climbed out her bedroom window. She walked to Montebello, it took her 4 hours, and she walked with tears all her way. She asked to stay with her brother, Gustavo. He was glad to help.

    Yolanda got a ride to school with Jeff, her second brother. Her counselor called her into the office. Her father had come to school that morning. He said he wouldn’t sign the scholarship letter. He floored his car out of the parking lot. He didn’t see the school bus. It broadsided him. He was thrown from the car. He was severely injured. He was rushed to the hospital on ambulance.

    Yoyo’s friend, Paul, ran up to her and told her about her father. By the time Jeff and Yoyo rushed to hospital, her father was in critical condition. They prayed for him. Gustavo heard about the accident. He picked up his mother and they went to the hospital. The father was in a coma. Her family told Yoyo not to felt guilty about her essay.

    When her father came out of his coma, Yolanda was staying by the bed. He looked at Yoyo.He apologized with tears in his eyes. He told everyone he was going to stop drinking. He gave his daughter his signed permission. Even the biggest idiots CAN grow up.

  2. #2

    Re: Please help me correct this!!First post from a New Member! Begging for help!!!

    I'm afraid it might be too late for your deadline, but perhaps you could take some ideas for future reference.
    I'll alter just one paragraph, to give you an example of how you should structure your writing.
    Instead of:
    It was because of her family situation. Her father drank all the time. He never let her leave the house except for school. Her mother was too shy to stand up for Yoyo. Yoyo was the youngest child. The older brothers had run away and moved to Montebello. They rarely come back and visited their father because they hated him.
    Consider:
    It was because of her family situation. Her father drank all the time and never let her leave the house, except for school. Unfortunately, her mother was too shy to stand up for Yoyo, who was the youngest child. The older brothers had run away and moved to Montebello, rarely coming back to visit their father, as they hated him.

  3. rewboss's Avatar

    • Join Date: Feb 2006
    • Posts: 1,552
    #3

    Re: Please help me correct this!!First post from a New Member! Begging for help!!!

    We don't actually do people's homework for them on this forum, but your teacher is right. Your essay is not so much dull and uninteresting, it just reads like a list of sentences. You need to aim for a mixture of short and long sentences.

    Conjunctions and dependent and independent clauses help to put different concepts into a relationship with each other -- as well as giving prose more style and rhythm.

    Take your first three sentences:

    There once was a girl. Her name was Yolanda. She was from Pasadena.

    What do we have here? Subject, verb, complement. Subject, verb, complement. Subject, verb, complement.

    Surely you can combine the first two sentences using a relative clause? You've probably done countless boring exercises: "Combine the two sentences in each exercise using a relative clause. Make sure you use the correct relative pronoun. For example: I have a car. It is five years old. Answer: I have a car which is five years old."

    So you can do the same boring exercise here:

    There once was a girl whose name was Yolanda.

    And we can also take "She was from Pasadena", take away the subject and the verb and use what's left like this:

    There once was a girl from Pasadena whose name was Yolanda.

    And now we have one longer sentence with a more interesting and complex structure.

  4. #4

    Re: Please help me correct this!!First post from a New Member! Begging for help!!!

    thank you so much for your kindly help. I have 3 more hours before my paper is due, and i am still working hard to rewrite it. What do you think about I combine these 2 sentences?
    original sentence
    The narrator said she loved her father. It said that he was killing himself with alcohol.
    revised sentence
    The narrator said she loved her father who was killing himself with alcohol.

Similar Threads

  1. Are All IELTS Answers Correct?
    By artast in forum Ask a Teacher
    Replies: 2
    Last Post: 10-Aug-2005, 00:46

Bookmarks

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •