[Essay] Conception of a paragraph

[Dextermg]

Hello there, I learned english not in a right way, and because of that I can't speak and write smoothly. Now, I am in charge of sale marketing.
Any help here with this paragraph!?
Is it correct at all:

" You wanna know a secret?Here is our curvey pure
products which are being sold as two kinds of
supplement and lotion in market. They are free from
hormone, 100% Natural, free from animal cruelty and the
best part is, our product carries a 60-day money back
guarantee. "

 

[emsr2d2]

Hello there.

I learned English [STRIKE]not in a right way[/STRIKE] from a bad/terrible teacher/book no comma here and, because of that, I can't speak and write English [STRIKE]smoothly[/STRIKE] well. Now no comma here I am in charge of sales and marketing.

Can you give me any help [STRIKE]here[/STRIKE] with this paragraph? [STRIKE]!?[/STRIKE]

Is any of it correct? [STRIKE]at all:[/STRIKE]

"Do you [STRIKE]wanna[/STRIKE] want to know a secret? Here [STRIKE]is[/STRIKE] are our curvey pure products, which are [STRIKE]being[/STRIKE] sold as two kinds of supplement and as a lotion. [STRIKE]in market.[/STRIKE] They are free from hormones, [STRIKE]%[/STRIKE] 100% natural, [STRIKE]free from animal[/STRIKE] cruelty-free and, [STRIKE]the best part is,[/STRIKE] most importantly, [STRIKE]our product[/STRIKE] [STRIKE]carries[/STRIKE] come with a 60-day money back guarantee."

Please note my corrections in red above. I have no idea what "curvey" is supposed to mean. It's not an English word. The closest actual word is "curvy" but that refers to shape so it doesn't seem to fit your context at all.

Be careful with the phrase "100% natural". It has no legal definition when it comes to supplements, foods or anything else. Lots of things that are no good for you are completely natural - arsenic, for example.

 

[Raymott]

Also, if "the best part" of your offer is that it "carries a 60-day money back guarantee", a customer might want to save their money by not buying it in the first place. Surely, the best part is the effect you're claiming it has - which is why people might buy it.

 

[tedmc]

It is not clear what products you are selling after all the description. What supplement and lotion? What are their benefits?
I suggest you get someone else to write the text more professionally.

 

[Tarheel]

At the very least you should want your potential customers to know what your products are and what they're supposed to do.

 

[Raymott]

At the very least you should want your potential customers to know what your products are and what they're supposed to do.

Yes, but if he makes no claims for any benefits, no one can complain that it doesn't work!

 

[emsr2d2]

I don't know what the situation is in Iran but in the UK, many very effective alternative and complementary therapy products are legally barred from stating what their products should be used for. This is down to the undue influence the pharmaceutical industry has on government and the laws surrounding medical claims. After all, why would anyone buy Product A (pharmaceutical, at £1000) if they could buy equally effective Product B (alternative/complementary, at £10)?

DexterMG, we understand that you might not want to give the name of the product here (and, indeed, if you had, we would have deleted it for advertising), but it strikes me, and other people, that your wording does not explain at all what the product does or what it is!

 

[Charlie Bernstein]

Welcome, Dexter. Tell us more!