[General] I was deeply affected by....(58 words)

[Silverobama]

Hi.

I wrote a paragraph about something happened in my city recently.

I was deeply affected by a 61-year-old man who saved a drowning young woman when he was walking by a river in the nearby ancient town of Zhongshan. He was later found out to a recent British dipliomat to Chongqing. The Chongqing government will award him 50,000 yuan but he had decided to donate the money to charity.

An article about his story.

I used "affected" to mean "touched". I used "touched" and "moved" many times. Please help me with the paragraph.

 

[Tarheel]

Hi.

I wrote a paragraph about something that happened in my city recently.

I was deeply touched by the heroism of a 61-year-old man who saved a drowning young woman.. He was walking near the river when he saw a woman in the water. She was drowning. He jumped right in and saved her.

He is a British diplomat stationed in Chongqing. The Chongqing government will award him 50,000 yuan. He has decided to donate the money to charity.

An article about his story.

I used "affected" to mean "touched". I used "touched" and "moved" many times. Please help me with the paragraph.

I like that story. It's a good one.

Don't try to put too much into a sentence.

 

[Silverobama]

I wanted to keep the whole paragraph (including the details of the place) because this story happened in my city and the British diplomat is now working in my city. My audience know where the ancient town is because it's a tourist attraction. Now the place welcomes more and more people.

I wonder if I can see a BrE version of what I wrote in the OP. I appreciate your help, Tarheel.

 

[Tarheel]

You can still include the information about the location. You just don't have to put everything in one sentence. Decide where you want to put that information, and put it there. Perhaps:

It happened in ....

Or something like that.

 

[Silverobama]

I wonder if I can also have a BE version of this while keeping my original location and everything.

I was deeply affected by a 61-year-old man who saved a drowning young woman when he was walking by a river in the nearby ancient town of Zhongshan. He was later found out to a recent British dipliomat to Chongqing. The Chongqing government will award him 50,000 yuan but he had decided to donate the money to charity.

I used "affected" to mean "moved" and "touched". Also, I think some sentences are not grammatical.

 

[Tarheel]

The word "but" doesn't mean what you think it means.

In your version the British diplomat doesn't even jump in the water.

Never mind.

 

[teechar]

I used "affected" to mean "moved" and "touched".

"Affected" doesn't work. Use "moved" or "touched".

Try:

I was deeply moved by a 61-year-old man who jumped in and saved a drowning young woman when he was walking by a river in the nearby ancient town of Zhongshan. [STRIKE]He was later found out to a recent[/STRIKE] It turns out he is British diplomat [STRIKE]to[/STRIKE] recently stationed in Chongqing. The Chongqing government will award him 50,000 yuan [STRIKE]but[/STRIKE] which he [STRIKE]had[/STRIKE] has decided to donate [STRIKE]the money[/STRIKE] to charity.

 

[Silverobama]

One more question for teechar. You used "It turns out he is British diplomat recently stationed....", why didn't you use "...he is a British diplomat...."?

 

[emsr2d2]

You used "It turns out he is British diplomat recently stationed ...". Why didn't you use "... he is a British diplomat ..."?

Note my corrections above. Your original contained a comma splice. Remember that an ellipsis consists of just three dots and there should be a space on both sides of them.

 

[Silverobama]

Ah, I didn't know this until I read your post, emsr2d2. I appreciate your telling me this. I'll bear it in mind.

 

[teechar]

why didn't you use "...he is a British diplomat...."?

That's because I was trying to guess what you meant by "he was later found out".

 

[Silverobama]

That's because I was trying to guess what you meant by "he was later found out".

I used "he was later found out" to express the thought that "people didn't know who this old man was until he was recognized to a recent consul general (a British diplomat) to Chongqing."

I wonder if I need to add an "a" in that sentence. I mean to write the sentence like "It turns out he is a British diplomat...".

Edited: And the original sentence which I meant to write was "He was later found to be a British diplomat....". I am deeply sorry for the missing "be" of that sentence.

 

[emsr2d2]

You could have said "He was later found to be ..." but "... later found out to be ..." isn't natural.

 

[teechar]

I don't know how it happened, but that was supposed to be "a British diplomat".