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  1. #1
    alpacinoutd is offline Key Member
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    The last rays of sunlight were fading

    Is this correct and natural?

    The last rays of sunlight were fading behind the Hollywood hills as the day vanished. From her balcony, Patricia looked at the city's nightlife beginning slowly. She stepped back to the living room. In a dim corner of the mansion a half-full bottle of scotch rested on a mahogany table. She decided to drink through the infertile moments, the barren evening. Nick was sleeping like a corpse on their fifteen-grand Chesterfield as she poured a shot. She lifted the glass towards Nick. "To another day in our beautiful marriage," she said to the silent room, feeling the warm glow of the liquor loosening her. She sat at the grand Piano opposite from Nick, tuning it slowly. The fire of whiskey surging through her, Patricia began moving her fingers with fluid grace. The music bordered between solemn and joyful. Ambiguous notes rose from the Piano, filling their house. Jubilation and despair seesawed inside her through the whiskey as a smile flickered across her face, dying away slowly as her brows furrowed and her face crumpled. She felt pent-up tears trickling down, wetting the keyboard.

    Nick tossed on the couch, blinking until his confused eyes met Patricia's. "What time is it?" he asked. "Are you crying?" he said with a hoarse voice. Fighting the heroin in his blood, he pushed himself to his feet. "Miss Patricia DiNatale. I ain't wooed by your melodies or your pretend vulnerability. Your tears are fake, and your sadness is fake and your music," he said walking towards the bathroom.

    "Another speech from a man who takes solace in hurting others," said Patricia shaking her head. "You know something Mr Nick Smith? You are not good at hurting me anymore." She looked down at her ring. It was as if the diamond had lost its shine. We weren't like this. Maybe I should have left him sooner before it came down to this. Like an athlete retiring on top.

  2. #2
    Charlie Bernstein's Avatar
    Charlie Bernstein is offline VIP Member
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    Re: The last rays of sunlight were fading

    Quote Originally Posted by alpacinoutd View Post
    Is this correct and natural?

    The last rays of sunlight were fading behind the Hollywood hills as the day vanished. From her balcony, Patricia looked at the city's nightlife beginning slowly. She stepped back into the living room. In a dim corner of the mansion a half-full bottle of scotch rested on a mahogany table. She decided to drink through the infertile moments, the barren evening. Nick was sleeping like a corpse on their fifteen-grand Chesterfield as she poured a shot. She lifted the glass towards Nick. "To another day in our beautiful marriage," she said to the silent room, feeling the warm glow of the liquor loosening her. She sat at the grand piano opposite from Nick, playing it slowly. The fire of whiskey surging through her, Patricia began moving her fingers with fluid grace. The music bordered between solemn and joyful. Ambiguous notes rose from the piano, filling their house. Jubilation and despair seesawed inside her through the whiskey as a smile flickered across her face, dying away slowly as her brows furrowed and her face crumpled. She felt pent-up tears trickling down, wetting the keyboard.

    Nick tossed on the couch, blinking until his confused eyes met Patricia's. "What time is it?" he asked. "Are you crying?" he said hoarsely. Fighting the heroin in his blood, he pushed himself to his feet. "Miss Patricia DiNatale. I ain't wooed by your melodies or your pretend vulnerability. Your tears are fake, and your sadness is fake as your music," he said, walking towards the bathroom.

    "Another speech from a man who takes solace in hurting others," said Patricia shaking her head. "You know something Mr Nick Smith? You are not good at hurting me anymore." She looked down at her ring. It was as if the diamond had lost its shine. We weren't like this. Maybe I should have left him sooner, before it came down to this. Like an athlete retiring on top.
    1. Google some maps of Los Angeles. We know Patricia is east of the Hollywood Hills: The sun sets in the ocean, so the hills must be between her and the Pacific. So, what part of LA? Can she look down on LA from where she is? I lived there a long time ago, but I don't remember the layout. It's a big place.

    2. Your "nightlife" suggests she can see actual individual activity. That's not likely from a great distance. She might just be seeing the lights, not the people.

    3. Here's another place where you might mean wowed, not wooed. Wowed = impressed. Wooed = courted.

    4. Would he say "ain't"? I don't know enough about him to know what kind of English he speaks.
    I'm not a teacher. I speak American English. I've tutored writing at the University of Southern Maine and have done a good deal of copy editing and writing, occasionally for publication.

  3. #3
    Amigos4's Avatar
    Amigos4 is offline VIP Member
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    Re: The last rays of sunlight were fading

    Your tears are fake, and your sadness is fake as your music," he said, walking towards the bathroom.


    Charlie, shouldn't we add another "as" to the sentence? Your tears are fake, and your sadness is as fake as your music," he said, walking towards the bathroom.
    Last edited by emsr2d2; 30-Mar-2021 at 16:08. Reason: Fixed quote box

  4. #4
    Charlie Bernstein's Avatar
    Charlie Bernstein is offline VIP Member
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    Re: The last rays of sunlight were fading

    Quote Originally Posted by Amigos4 View Post
    [COLOR=#000000]

    Charlie, shouldn't we add another "as" to the sentence? Your tears are fake, and your sadness is as fake as your music," he said, walking towards the bathroom.
    It would probably be more grammatical. (Grammar isn't my strength.) In casual conversation, "is fake as" is reasonable.
    I'm not a teacher. I speak American English. I've tutored writing at the University of Southern Maine and have done a good deal of copy editing and writing, occasionally for publication.

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