Need help with job pitch

[Yueehs]

Hi,

I am applying for a job and there is a column where I need to put my job pitch. Would you be able to help me check if it's grammatically correct?

Here is my job pitch:

Throughout my 8 years of experience working with various department and over 10 years of supervising role, I know what it takes to become a good HR administrator. My experience in overseeing maintenance department proven that I am capable of managing difficult tasks even without prior experience.



Thank you very much :)

[Yueehs]

Hi,

I am applying for a job and there is a column where I need to put my job pitch in 300 characters. Would you be able to help me check if it's grammatically correct?

Here is my job pitch:

Throughout my 8 years of experience working with various department and over 10 years of supervising role, I know what it takes to become a good HR administrator. My experience in overseeing maintenance department proven that I am capable of managing difficult tasks even without prior experience.



Thank you very much :)

[Glizdka]

Not a teacher
------

Here's my opinion:

Throughout my 8 years of experience working with various departments and over 10 years of supervising role as a supervisor, I know have learned what it takes to become a good HR administrator.

I think it reads better this way.

---

My experience in overseeing maintenance department proven that I am capable of managing difficult tasks even without prior experience.

This part doesn't make sense. How does your experience prove that you're capable of managing tasks without prior experience?


Perhaps: "Over the years overseeing the maintenance department, I have proved that I am capable of managing difficult tasks even without prior experience."

[Tarheel]

Yueehs, don't try to put too much into one sentence. And please don't use the phrase prior experience. (It just means experience.)

[Yueehs]

Thank you all :)
really appreciate it

[Tarheel]

Perhaps:

Experience has shown that I am capable of taking on new tasks.

[Charlie Bernstein]

Hi,

I am applying for a job, and there is a column where I need to put my job pitch. Would you be able to help me check if it's grammatically correct?

Here is my job pitch:

Throughout my eight years of experience working with various departments and over ten years of supervising role,

I know what it takes to be a good HR administrator. My experience in overseeing a maintenance department demonstrates my ability to manage new and difficult tasks even without prior experience.



Thank you very much. :)

If I were reading your application, I would wonder: If you only worked in various departments for eight years, how can you have ten years of supervisory experience?

[teechar]

Yueehs, please do not post the same question to more than one section of the forum. Please be patient and wait for replies.

[emsr2d2]

Thank you all.

:)

I really appreciate it.

Remember to end every sentence with one appropriate punctuation mark and start every sentence with a capital letter. Don't try to make your own emoticons - if you really need one, click the icon in the toolbar and choose one. An emoticon is never an acceptable replacement for a closing punctuation mark.

[emsr2d2]

I have merged the two threads.