[General] ...Overcome by emotion...

[rodgers white]

For me, poetry is an art form that allows the artist to combine both poetry and a visual work of art within a single art piece. Words and paintings are a perfect combination to provide a snapshot into our minds and thoughts. Would you please proofread my sentences and share what you imagine when you look at the painting? Any help would be appreciated. Here are the words and the painting.

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Overcome by emotion, I go out in pursuit of her... The wind is so cold in the winter night that the hills and mountains cry.

 

[Tarheel]

Perhaps:

The winter wind is so frigid that it chills you to the bone.

 

[rodgers white]

Perhaps:

The winter wind is so frigid that it chills you to the bone.

I like the way your words are organised but I am sorry to say it is a little bit boring for me, you know. It's just like you are something from the documentary films and I am something from the fairy tales. We are living in the totally different worlds. Sometimes maybe we will come across and mingle with each other but ultimately we are far far away.:roll:

But I completely understand that. I mean you are in your zone and I am in my zone. We try to see the things and the world from our own perspectives. You honestly tell how you feel in such a cold weather;I was driven relentlessly to resonate the call from my soul to pursuit something invaluable no matter what's in store for me outside - uncharted waters. That's something amazing about life because of difference. Thanks to that, we have become more acceptable and inclusive and the world has gradually become a better place to live.:up:

 

[tedmc]

we will [STRIKE]come across[/STRIKE] cross each other's path/meet

to [STRIKE]resonate[/STRIKE] respond to the call from my soul to [STRIKE]pursuit[/STRIKE] pursue something...

because of differences

we have become more [STRIKE]acceptable [/STRIKE] accepting

 

[Charlie Bernstein]

For me, poetry is an art form that allows the artist to combine both poetry and a visual work of art within a single [STRIKE]art[/STRIKE] piece. Words and paintings are a perfect combination to provide a snapshot into our minds and thoughts. Would you please proofread my sentences and share what you imagine when you look at the painting? Any help would be appreciated. Here are the words and the painting.

***********************************************************************

Overcome with emotion, I go out in pursuit of her. The wind is so cold in the winter night that the hills and mountains cry.

It's fine!

As an exercise, you might experiment with simply tightening it, saying the same thing in fewer words.

 

[Tarheel]

How about:

It's so cold outside that I wish I was inside. But I have to stsy out here because that poet is following me.
;-)

(I am trying to imagine the hills crying.)

 

[rodgers white]

How about:

It's so cold outside that I wish I was inside. But I have to stsy out here because that poet is following me.
;-)

(I am trying to imagine the hills crying.)

That's good. I love the part "that poet is following me". We are closer now. It reminds me of the soccer match. I am the striker and you are the goalie. When I shoot the ball, you try to get it. That’s how I feel at the moment. You got the ball now and thank you.:-D

 

[rodgers white]

It's fine!

As an exercise, you might experiment with simply tightening it, saying the same thing in fewer words.

Thank you for your advice. I will do my utmost. What about this vision:

************************************************************************
Overcome with emotion, I run out for her only to hear the hills and mountains crying in the snow.

Or maybe:

Overcome with emotion, I ride out for her only to find the hills and mountains crying in the snow.

 

[rodgers white]

we will [STRIKE]come across[/STRIKE] cross each other's path/meet

to [STRIKE]resonate[/STRIKE] respond to the call from my soul to [STRIKE]pursuit[/STRIKE] pursue something...

because of differences

we have become more [STRIKE]acceptable [/STRIKE] accepting

I like the way your words are organised but I am sorry to say it is a little bit boring for me, you know. It's just like you are something from the documentary films and I am something from the fairy tales. We are living in the totally different worlds. Sometimes maybe we will meet and mingle with each other but ultimately we are far far away.

But I completely understand that. I mean you are in your zone and I am in my zone. We try to see the things and the world from our own perspectives. You honestly tell how you feel in such a cold weather;I was driven relentlessly to respond to the call from my soul to pursue something invaluable no matter what's in store for me outside - uncharted waters. That's something amazing about life because of differences. Thanks to that, we have become more accepting and inclusive and the world has gradually become a better place to live.

By the way, can anything be improved or do you have anything else to share?

 

[Tarheel]

Perhaps:

Overcome with emotion, I go out in pursuit of her. But the winter wind is so bitterly cold that it chills me to the bone. However, I am so committed to my mission that I do not let that slow me down.

 

[rodgers white]

Perhaps:

Overcome with emotion, I go out in pursuit of her. But the winter wind is so bitterly cold that it chills me to the bone. However, I am so committed to my mission that I do not let that slow me down.

Nice try. I put some other words in and what about this version now:

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Overcome with emotion, I go out in pursuit of her. My heart is diving in the pain; the feeling is so strong even to the numbness. Even though the winter wind is so bitterly cold , I can feel nothing. Maybe I am so committed to my mission and it never slows me down. At last I stop and stand there, listening. From the distance in the snow the clouds and mountains together seem to be echoing my sorrowful song.

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Can anything be improved or do you have anything to share?

 

[Charlie Bernstein]

For me, poetry is an art form that allows the artist to combine both poetry and a visual work of art within a single art piece. Words and paintings are a perfect combination to provide a snapshot into our minds and thoughts. Would you please proofread my sentences and share what you imagine when you look at the painting? Any help would be appreciated. Here are the words and the painting.

***********************************************************************

Overcome by emotion, I go out in pursuit of her... The wind is so cold in the winter night that the hills and mountains cry.


View attachment 3771

Or: Overcome by emotion, I pursue her into the night, the wind so cold the hills and mountains cry.

(It's a difficult image. Won't the tears freeze?)

 

[Tarheel]

I don't get:

My heart is diving in the pain; the feeling is so strong to the numbness.

Maybe you mean to say the person is numb to the cold.

 

[rodgers white]

I don't get:

My heart is diving in the pain; the feeling is so strong to the numbness.

Maybe you mean to say the person is numb to the cold.

Yeah, that's what I want to say: the person is numb to the cold because of the gutwrenching pain.

 

[Tarheel]

That person is is in so much pain he doesn't feel the cold?

He's in terrible shape.
;-)

 

[rodgers white]

That person is is in so much pain he doesn't feel the cold?

He's in terrible shape.
;-)

The most pain is mental not physical. Sometimes, the emptiness in your mind feels so real that your body no longer belongs to you. You can feel nothing but just a deep dark hole in your soul. Yes, he's in terrible shape because he was lost in his inner world.

 

[Tarheel]

The most pain is mental not physical. Sometimes, the emptiness in your mind feels so real that your body no longer belongs to you. You can feel nothing but just a deep dark hole in your soul. Yes, he's in terrible shape because he is lost in his inner world.

Angst.

 

[rodgers white]

Angst.

I can feel this word, especially at the moment when we are all living under the shadow of Covid-19.

 

[rodgers white]

Or: Overcome by emotion, I pursue her into the night, the wind so cold the hills and mountains cry.

(It's a difficult image. Won't the tears freeze?)

I love this version. It‘s simple, yet it feels strong. What about 'the snowy night'? I just want to put the element 'snow' in the sentence. Is there a better way to do it?

 

[Tarheel]

Perhaps:

I pursue her into the snowy night, the cold wind blowing the icy snow onto my face.