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  1. #11
    rodgers white is offline Senior Member
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    Re: ...Overcome by emotion...

    Quote Originally Posted by Tarheel View Post
    Perhaps:

    Overcome with emotion, I go out in pursuit of her. But the winter wind is so bitterly cold that it chills me to the bone. However, I am so committed to my mission that I do not let that slow me down.
    Nice try. I put some other words in and what about this version now:

    ************************************************** *******************
    Overcome with emotion, I go out in pursuit of her. My heart is diving in the pain; the feeling is so strong even to the numbness. Even though the winter wind is so bitterly cold , I can feel nothing. Maybe I am so committed to my mission and it never slows me down. At last I stop and stand there, listening. From the distance in the snow the clouds and mountains together seem to be echoing my sorrowful song.

    ************************************************** *****

    Can anything be improved or do you have anything to share?
    Last edited by rodgers white; 15-Dec-2020 at 05:24.
    Three passions have governed my life: the longing for love, the search for knowledge, and unbearable pity for the suffering of mankind.

  2. #12
    Charlie Bernstein's Avatar
    Charlie Bernstein is offline VIP Member
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    Re: ...Overcome by emotion...

    Quote Originally Posted by rodgers white View Post
    For me, poetry is an art form that allows the artist to combine both poetry and a visual work of art within a single art piece. Words and paintings are a perfect combination to provide a snapshot into our minds and thoughts. Would you please proofread my sentences and share what you imagine when you look at the painting? Any help would be appreciated. Here are the words and the painting.

    ************************************************** *********************

    Overcome by emotion, I go out in pursuit of her... The wind is so cold in the winter night that the hills and mountains cry.


    Attachment 3771
    Or: Overcome by emotion, I pursue her into the night, the wind so cold the hills and mountains cry.

    (It's a difficult image. Won't the tears freeze?)
    I'm not a teacher. I speak American English. I've tutored writing at the University of Southern Maine and have done a good deal of copy editing and writing, occasionally for publication.

  3. #13
    Tarheel's Avatar
    Tarheel is offline VIP Member
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    Re: ...Overcome by emotion...

    I don't get:

    My heart is diving in the pain; the feeling is so strong to the numbness.

    Maybe you mean to say the person is numb to the cold.
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  4. #14
    rodgers white is offline Senior Member
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    Re: ...Overcome by emotion...

    Quote Originally Posted by Tarheel View Post
    I don't get:

    My heart is diving in the pain; the feeling is so strong to the numbness.

    Maybe you mean to say the person is numb to the cold.
    Yeah, that's what I want to say: the person is numb to the cold because of the gutwrenching pain.
    Three passions have governed my life: the longing for love, the search for knowledge, and unbearable pity for the suffering of mankind.

  5. #15
    Tarheel's Avatar
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    Re: ...Overcome by emotion...

    That person is is in so much pain he doesn't feel the cold?

    He's in terrible shape.
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  6. #16
    rodgers white is offline Senior Member
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    Re: ...Overcome by emotion...

    Quote Originally Posted by Tarheel View Post
    That person is is in so much pain he doesn't feel the cold?

    He's in terrible shape.
    The most pain is mental not physical. Sometimes, the emptiness in your mind feels so real that your body no longer belongs to you. You can feel nothing but just a deep dark hole in your soul. Yes, he's in terrible shape because he was lost in his inner world.
    Three passions have governed my life: the longing for love, the search for knowledge, and unbearable pity for the suffering of mankind.

  7. #17
    Tarheel's Avatar
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    Re: ...Overcome by emotion...

    Quote Originally Posted by rodgers white View Post
    The most pain is mental not physical. Sometimes, the emptiness in your mind feels so real that your body no longer belongs to you. You can feel nothing but just a deep dark hole in your soul. Yes, he's in terrible shape because he is lost in his inner world.
    Angst.

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  8. #18
    rodgers white is offline Senior Member
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    Re: ...Overcome by emotion...

    Quote Originally Posted by Tarheel View Post
    Angst.

    I can feel this word, especially at the moment when we are all living under the shadow of Covid-19.
    Three passions have governed my life: the longing for love, the search for knowledge, and unbearable pity for the suffering of mankind.

  9. #19
    rodgers white is offline Senior Member
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    Re: ...Overcome by emotion...

    Quote Originally Posted by Charlie Bernstein View Post
    Or: Overcome by emotion, I pursue her into the night, the wind so cold the hills and mountains cry.

    (It's a difficult image. Won't the tears freeze?)
    I love this version. Its simple, yet it feels strong. What about 'the snowy night'? I just want to put the element 'snow' in the sentence. Is there a better way to do it?
    Three passions have governed my life: the longing for love, the search for knowledge, and unbearable pity for the suffering of mankind.

  10. #20
    Tarheel's Avatar
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    Re: ...Overcome by emotion...

    Perhaps:

    I pursue her into the snowy night, the cold wind blowing the icy snow onto my face.
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