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  1. #21
    rodgers white is offline Senior Member
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    Re: ...Overcome by emotion...

    Quote Originally Posted by Tarheel View Post
    Perhaps:

    I pursue her into the snowy night, the cold wind blowing the icy snow onto my face.
    Nice. What about this version: I pursue her into the snowy night;a cold wind blowing echoes the far cry from the hills and mountains.
    Last edited by rodgers white; 19-Dec-2020 at 04:09.
    Three passions have governed my life: the longing for love, the search for knowledge, and unbearable pity for the suffering of mankind.

  2. #22
    emsr2d2's Avatar
    emsr2d2 is offline Moderator
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    Re: ...Overcome by emotion...

    Quote Originally Posted by rodgers white View Post
    Nice. What about this version: I pursue her into the snowy night;a cold wind blowing echoes the far cry from the hills and mountains.
    I'd reorganise the part after the semi-colon. I read it as "a cold wind + blowing (verb) + echoes (plural noun) ...
    Remember - if you don't use correct capitalisation, punctuation and spacing, anything you write will be incorrect.

  3. #23
    rodgers white is offline Senior Member
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    Re: ...Overcome by emotion...

    Quote Originally Posted by emsr2d2 View Post
    I'd reorganise the part after the semi-colon. I read it as "a cold wind + blowing (verb) + echoes (plural noun) ...
    You are right. The part after the semi-colon seems like something that could easily be misunderstood. So I reorganise the sentence as follows:

    I pursue her into the snowy night; the cold wind is blowing, echoing the far cry from the hills and mountains.

    ************************************************** *************************************

    Can anything be improved, or do you have something to share?
    Last edited by rodgers white; 19-Dec-2020 at 16:18.
    Three passions have governed my life: the longing for love, the search for knowledge, and unbearable pity for the suffering of mankind.

  4. #24
    Charlie Bernstein's Avatar
    Charlie Bernstein is offline VIP Member
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    Re: ...Overcome by emotion...

    Quote Originally Posted by rodgers white View Post
    You are right. The part after the semi-colon seems like something that could easily be misunderstood. So I reorganise the sentence as follows:

    I pursue her into the snowy night; the cold wind is blowing, echoing the far cry from the hills and mountains.
    Sorry, but it's kind of a mess:

    1. Wind, by definition, blows. So of course it's blowing. That's what it does. So "the cold wind is blowing" isn't wrong, but it's not very economical prose. Besides blowing, what else is the wind doing?

    2. Wind doesn't echo. Sounds echo. Wind tends to drown out echoes.

    3. You say "the far cry." What cry? Whose cry? Yours? Hers?

    4. The echo is more likely from hills or mountains, not both. Are you in hill country or mountain country?

    5. Semicolons need to serve a purpose other than making run-on sentences grammatical.

    So you might want you to rework it.
    Last edited by Charlie Bernstein; 19-Dec-2020 at 16:30.
    I'm not a teacher. I speak American English. I've tutored writing at the University of Southern Maine and have done a good deal of copy editing and writing, occasionally for publication.

  5. #25
    rodgers white is offline Senior Member
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    Re: ...Overcome by emotion...

    You are right. I like your version: Overcome by emotion, I pursue her into the night, the wind so cold the hills and mountains cry. It's simple but powerful. I just want to put the element 'snow' in the sentence. What about this:

    Overcome by emotion, I pursue her into the night, the wind so cold with snow falling and the mountains cry.

    ************************************************** *******************************************

    The painting was done in Taos. Taos is the ideal homebase for exploring the mountains, history, and cultures of New Mexico. So I deleted 'hills'.

    Three passions have governed my life: the longing for love, the search for knowledge, and unbearable pity for the suffering of mankind.

  6. #26
    Charlie Bernstein's Avatar
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    Re: ...Overcome by emotion...

    Yup. As i recall, Taos is mountains. (I've only been there once.)
    I'm not a teacher. I speak American English. I've tutored writing at the University of Southern Maine and have done a good deal of copy editing and writing, occasionally for publication.

  7. #27
    rodgers white is offline Senior Member
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    Re: ...Overcome by emotion...

    Another version appears in my mind, I can't help sharing it with you and which one do you prefer, or do you have anything to share? Is there a better word than 'shouting' here?

    ************************************************** ***************
    Overcome by emotion, I pursue her into the snowy night, shouting a lonely song from the depths of my soul and calling to the cold wind and the distant mountains…

    Or:
    Overcome by emotion, I pursue her into the snowy night, shouting a lonely song from the depths of my soul and calling to the cold wind and the high mountains…

    Or:
    Overcome by emotion, I pursue her into the snowy night, shouting a lonely song from the depths of my soul and calling to the cold wind blowing the high/distant mountains…

    Click image for larger version. 

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    ************************************************** ***************

    I always believe practice makes perfect, though there is no such thing as a perfect one.
    Last edited by rodgers white; 21-Dec-2020 at 06:45.
    Three passions have governed my life: the longing for love, the search for knowledge, and unbearable pity for the suffering of mankind.

  8. #28
    Tarheel's Avatar
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    Re: ...Overcome by emotion...

    Quote Originally Posted by rodgers white View Post
    Another version appears in my mind, I can't help sharing it with you.

    ************************************************** ***************
    Overcome by emotion, I pursue her into the snowy night, shouting a lonely song from the depths of my soul and calling to the cold wind and the distant mountains…

    ************************************************** ***************
    You call to the wind because the wind will listen to you. You call to the mountains because they will listen too.
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  9. #29
    Tarheel's Avatar
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    Re: ...Overcome by emotion...

    I'm not perfect, but maybe some of my poems have been.
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  10. #30
    rodgers white is offline Senior Member
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    Re: ...Overcome by emotion...

    Quote Originally Posted by Tarheel View Post
    I'm not perfect, but maybe some of my poems have been.
    Wow, I like your sentence. It's simple but full of philosophy. So, are the following sentences perfect? Of course not. Which one is your favourite? Please share your ideas and thank you.

    ************************************************** ***************
    Overcome by emotion, I pursue her into the night, shouting a lonely song from the depths of my soul and calling to the cold wind and the high mountains in snow...

    Overcome by emotion, I pursue her into the snowy night, shouting a lonely song from the depths of my soul and calling to the cold wind and the distant mountains…

    Or:
    Overcome by emotion, I pursue her into the snowy night, shouting a lonely song from the depths of my soul and calling to the cold wind and the high mountains…

    Or:
    Overcome by emotion, I pursue her into the snowy night, shouting a lonely song from the depths of my soul and calling to the cold wind blowing the high/distant mountains…



    ************************************************** ***************
    Last edited by rodgers white; 22-Dec-2020 at 02:09.
    Three passions have governed my life: the longing for love, the search for knowledge, and unbearable pity for the suffering of mankind.

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