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  1. #1
    rodgers white is offline Senior Member
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    ...Overcome by emotion...

    For me, poetry is an art form that allows the artist to combine both poetry and a visual work of art within a single art piece. Words and paintings are a perfect combination to provide a snapshot into our minds and thoughts. Would you please proofread my sentences and share what you imagine when you look at the painting? Any help would be appreciated. Here are the words and the painting.

    ************************************************** *********************

    Overcome by emotion, I go out in pursuit of her... The wind is so cold in the winter night that the hills and mountains cry.


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    Three passions have governed my life: the longing for love, the search for knowledge, and unbearable pity for the suffering of mankind.

  2. #2
    Tarheel's Avatar
    Tarheel is online now VIP Member
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    Re: ...Overcome by emotion...

    Perhaps:

    The winter wind is so frigid that it chills you to the bone.
    Not a professional teacher

  3. #3
    rodgers white is offline Senior Member
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    Re: ...Overcome by emotion...

    Quote Originally Posted by Tarheel View Post
    Perhaps:

    The winter wind is so frigid that it chills you to the bone.
    I like the way your words are organised but I am sorry to say it is a little bit boring for me, you know. It's just like you are something from the documentary films and I am something from the fairy tales. We are living in the totally different worlds. Sometimes maybe we will come across and mingle with each other but ultimately we are far far away.

    But I completely understand that. I mean you are in your zone and I am in my zone. We try to see the things and the world from our own perspectives. You honestly tell how you feel in such a cold weather;I was driven relentlessly to resonate the call from my soul to pursuit something invaluable no matter what's in store for me outside - uncharted waters. That's something amazing about life because of difference. Thanks to that, we have become more acceptable and inclusive and the world has gradually become a better place to live.
    Last edited by rodgers white; 13-Dec-2020 at 07:55.
    Three passions have governed my life: the longing for love, the search for knowledge, and unbearable pity for the suffering of mankind.

  4. #4
    tedmc is offline VIP Member
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    Re: ...Overcome by emotion...

    we will come across cross each other's path/meet

    to resonate respond to the call from my soul to pursuit pursue something...

    because of differences

    we have become more acceptable accepting



    Last edited by tedmc; 13-Dec-2020 at 12:42.
    I am not a teacher or a native speaker.

  5. #5
    Charlie Bernstein's Avatar
    Charlie Bernstein is offline VIP Member
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    Re: ...Overcome by emotion...

    Quote Originally Posted by rodgers white View Post
    For me, poetry is an art form that allows the artist to combine both poetry and a visual work of art within a single art piece. Words and paintings are a perfect combination to provide a snapshot into our minds and thoughts. Would you please proofread my sentences and share what you imagine when you look at the painting? Any help would be appreciated. Here are the words and the painting.

    ************************************************** *********************

    Overcome with emotion, I go out in pursuit of her. The wind is so cold in the winter night that the hills and mountains cry.
    It's fine!

    As an exercise, you might experiment with simply tightening it, saying the same thing in fewer words.
    I'm not a teacher. I speak American English. I've tutored writing at the University of Southern Maine and have done a good deal of copy editing and writing, occasionally for publication.

  6. #6
    Tarheel's Avatar
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    Re: ...Overcome by emotion...

    How about:

    It's so cold outside that I wish I was inside. But I have to stsy out here because that poet is following me.


    (I am trying to imagine the hills crying.)
    Not a professional teacher

  7. #7
    rodgers white is offline Senior Member
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    Re: ...Overcome by emotion...

    Quote Originally Posted by Tarheel View Post
    How about:

    It's so cold outside that I wish I was inside. But I have to stsy out here because that poet is following me.


    (I am trying to imagine the hills crying.)
    That's good. I love the part "that poet is following me". We are closer now. It reminds me of the soccer match. I am the striker and you are the goalie. When I shoot the ball, you try to get it. That’s how I feel at the moment. You got the ball now and thank you.
    Last edited by rodgers white; 14-Dec-2020 at 05:46.
    Three passions have governed my life: the longing for love, the search for knowledge, and unbearable pity for the suffering of mankind.

  8. #8
    rodgers white is offline Senior Member
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    Re: ...Overcome by emotion...

    Quote Originally Posted by Charlie Bernstein View Post
    It's fine!

    As an exercise, you might experiment with simply tightening it, saying the same thing in fewer words.
    Thank you for your advice. I will do my utmost. What about this vision:

    ************************************************** **********************
    Overcome with emotion, I run out for her only to hear the hills and mountains crying in the snow.

    Or maybe:

    Overcome with emotion, I ride out for her only to find the hills and mountains crying in the snow.


    Click image for larger version. 

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    Last edited by rodgers white; 14-Dec-2020 at 05:47.
    Three passions have governed my life: the longing for love, the search for knowledge, and unbearable pity for the suffering of mankind.

  9. #9
    rodgers white is offline Senior Member
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    Re: ...Overcome by emotion...

    Quote Originally Posted by tedmc View Post
    we will come across cross each other's path/meet

    to resonate respond to the call from my soul to pursuit pursue something...

    because of differences

    we have become more acceptable accepting



    I like the way your words are organised but I am sorry to say it is a little bit boring for me, you know. It's just like you are something from the documentary films and I am something from the fairy tales. We are living in the totally different worlds. Sometimes maybe we will meet and mingle with each other but ultimately we are far far away.

    But I completely understand that. I mean you are in your zone and I am in my zone. We try to see the things and the world from our own perspectives. You honestly tell how you feel in such a cold weather;I was driven relentlessly to respond to the call from my soul to pursue something invaluable no matter what's in store for me outside - uncharted waters. That's something amazing about life because of differences. Thanks to that, we have become more accepting and inclusive and the world has gradually become a better place to live.

    By the way, can anything be improved or do you have anything else to share?
    Three passions have governed my life: the longing for love, the search for knowledge, and unbearable pity for the suffering of mankind.

  10. #10
    Tarheel's Avatar
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    Re: ...Overcome by emotion...

    Perhaps:

    Overcome with emotion, I go out in pursuit of her. But the winter wind is so bitterly cold that it chills me to the bone. However, I am so committed to my mission that I do not let that slow me down.
    Not a professional teacher

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