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  1. #1
    Dina is offline Newbie
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    please help me check my motivation letter for bachelor degree (scholarship).

    Hello, I am asking for your help to check my motivation letter for the Bachelor's degree in Mechatronics Engineering in Hungary. They ask about these things: Basic content shall include reason for choosing this program and country, education background and challenges may be faced.

    Dear Sir/Madam,

    I am writing this letter to show my interest in applying for the Mechatronics Engineering Bachelor’s program.

    My dream is to be a scientist. When I read about engineering, I found that engineering is the application of math and science to solve problems. Engineers find out practical uses for scientific discoveries. Physicist Freeman Dyson wrote in his book, "A good scientist is a person with original ideas. A good engineer is a person who makes a design that works with as few original ideas as possible."

    I found that engineering has a lot of branches and each one of them has its role in developing countries so it may be hard to choose one of them. The one I found good for me is mechatronics as it gathers between electronics, mechanical, computer engineering, manufacturing robots, and artificial limbs as it affects people’s lives.

    I wanted to apply to one of the top universities, but I don't have enough money especially after my father’s retirement, things have become hard on us as we barely afford my transportation, and I don't want this thing to prevent me from achieving my dream.My wish is to continue achieving champions, but unfortunately, in my country, there is no much-paying attention to sports especially in small cities like mine.

    Traveling abroad helps you to get out of your comfort zone, getting to know new people from different cultures and nationalities. That will help me to face new challenges and have a new experience. Living abroad especially when you are alone without your family would help to become more independent of yourself.
    I applied to study in Hungary as it is a well-known country for its advancement in education and sport. Also known for its magnificent nature and provide its programs in English.

    This scholarship will help me in education and also in sport as I want to be a champion in karate and tennis. I want to be like the athletes whom I saw on TV. I got first place in athletics at the level of Damnhour and second place in karate at the Beheira governorate level. I participated in the school's competition for handball and fitness. My friend and I won the environmental project competition and we were honored by the Deputy Ministry. I managed to become among the top ten students at my school according to academic results from the third elementary year until my second preparatory year.

    In the third preparatory year, I had a small dream to go to STEM school and this was a high school for outstanding students, but it has some conditions relating to marks. I thought it would be easy for me to fulfill these conditions but unfortunately, it didn't work out. It was a shock for me and my family when I got my first term results. At that time I was in shock and very sad my grades were not sufficient to get to the school that I dreamed about to be an innovator, although I got good marks in my lessons and I did all what I could do not only that, but also a lot of students got high marks so that made me think that I am a failure. I cried a lot in my room as I wanted my family to be proud of me, but I let them down. There was a lot of pressure on me as I was trying to achieve what my older sister did not achieve. After a while, I calmed down, stopped crying, and kept thinking about where my mistakes were to learn from them. In the second term, although I didn't get the marks that I was trying to get, at least I made progress in some subjects so that made me a little bit satisfied. In the first and second secondary years, I tried to learn from my mistakes that I made not just in the case of academics, but also in life, and get to learn every day new things. although I wasn’t among the top ten students at senior one and two, I succeeded in joining the faculty of engineering in my country and getting into fourth place in senior three at my school.
    I would like to thank you for taking the time to read my letter, and I hope I will be found right for the scholarship.

    Yours truly,

    Dina Shiha
    Last edited by Dina; 13-Jan-2021 at 04:48. Reason: Enlarged font; marked errors to fix.

  2. #2
    emsr2d2's Avatar
    emsr2d2 is offline Moderator
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    Re: please help me check my motivation letter for bachelor degree (scholarship).

    Welcome to the forum, Dina.

    Please look at the markups I have made in post #1. I have marked the most basic errors that you can easily fix yourself by using the "Edit Post" function. Please use that to make the relevant corrections, change the red markings back to black, then click "Save". You can make edits to your post for 24 hours after you posted it so you have plenty of time.

    Here are the most basic errors:

    - Incorrect capitalisation (a word that should have been capitalised has not been, and vice versa).
    - Missing punctuation.
    - Missing word.
    - Incorrect spacing (you have put a space where there shouldn't be one, or you have failed to put one where there should be one).

    After you have made those corrections, we can look at the content. Please be aware that it's a long piece so you might not get very many responses quickly.

    Edit: The changes detailed above have now been made. I have left this post in place so that other learners can see the kinds of things we point out before we look at content.
    Last edited by emsr2d2; 12-Jan-2021 at 17:34.
    Remember - if you don't use correct capitalisation, punctuation and spacing, anything you write will be incorrect.

  3. #3
    teechar's Avatar
    teechar is offline Moderator
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    Re: please help me check my motivation letter for bachelor degree (scholarship).

    How many words were you asked to write (word limit)?
    Also, what is the submission deadline?

  4. #4
    Tarheel's Avatar
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    Re: please help me check my motivation letter for bachelor degree (scholarship).

    In the third paragraph I stumbled over the word "gathers". What do you mean to say there?
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  5. #5
    Dina is offline Newbie
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    Re: please help me check my motivation letter for bachelor degree (scholarship).

    Characters from 1500 to 4000
    Submission deadline 16 January

  6. #6
    Dina is offline Newbie
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    Re: please help me check my motivation letter for bachelor degree (scholarship).

    I mean " combination "

  7. #7
    Tarheel's Avatar
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    Re: please help me check my motivation letter for bachelor degree (scholarship).

    My dream is to be a scientist.

    That's good.
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  8. #8
    Tarheel's Avatar
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    Re: please help me check my motivation letter for bachelor degree (scholarship).

    Try:

    When I read about engineering I learned that engineering is the application of math and science to solve problems.
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  9. #9
    Tarheel's Avatar
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    Re: please help me check my motivation letter for bachelor degree (scholarship).

    My suggestion. Try:

    Engineers discover/invent/create practical uses for scientific discoveries. Physicist Freeman Dyson wrote in his book, Name of the Book, "A good scientist is a person with original ideas. A good engineer is a person who makes a design that works with as few original ideas as possible."
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  10. #10
    Tarheel's Avatar
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    Re: please help me check my motivation letter for bachelor degree (scholarship).

    Try:

    I learned that engineering has several branches, and it each one has its role in developing countries, so it may be hard to to choose one of them.
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