Results 1 to 4 of 4
  1. #1
    alpacinoutd is offline Key Member
    • Member Info
      • Member Type:
      • English Teacher
      • Native Language:
      • Persian
      • Home Country:
      • Iran
      • Current Location:
      • Iran
    Join Date
    Sep 2019
    Posts
    2,576

    the had a toast without saying anything

    I'm trying to describe a situation when a husband and a wife have one last drink before they separate. This is what I have written:

    John and Nicole stared at each other in a sad silence. They knew their marriage was over but they could pretend to be a couple for one last night. They raised their glasses and clinked them in a silent toast. "Tomorrow, I will be a free woman," Nicole thought. "I will never love again," John thought.

    I'm not happy with it. How can I make it better?

  2. #2
    emsr2d2's Avatar
    emsr2d2 is online now Moderator
    • Member Info
      • Member Type:
      • English Teacher
      • Native Language:
      • British English
      • Home Country:
      • UK
      • Current Location:
      • UK
    Join Date
    Jul 2009
    Posts
    59,331

    Re: the had a toast without saying anything

    What don't you like about it? Which parts do you want to change?

    Note that we don't "have a toast" (you used "had a toast" in your title). We "make a toast" or we just "toast".
    Last edited by emsr2d2; 17-Jan-2021 at 14:37. Reason: Fixed typo
    Remember - if you don't use correct capitalisation, punctuation and spacing, anything you write will be incorrect.

  3. #3
    alpacinoutd is offline Key Member
    • Member Info
      • Member Type:
      • English Teacher
      • Native Language:
      • Persian
      • Home Country:
      • Iran
      • Current Location:
      • Iran
    Join Date
    Sep 2019
    Posts
    2,576

    Re: the had a toast without saying anything

    Quote Originally Posted by emsr2d2 View Post
    What don't you like about it? Which parts do you want to change?

    Note that we don't "have a toast" (you used "had a toast" in your title). We "make a toast" or we just "toast".
    I don't know. I have a hunch that it can be better. Is it good?
    Last edited by emsr2d2; 17-Jan-2021 at 14:38. Reason: Fixed typo in quote

  4. #4
    Charlie Bernstein's Avatar
    Charlie Bernstein is offline VIP Member
    • Member Info
      • Member Type:
      • Other
      • Native Language:
      • English
      • Home Country:
      • United States
      • Current Location:
      • United States
    Join Date
    Jan 2009
    Posts
    8,505

    Re: the had a toast without saying anything

    Quote Originally Posted by alpacinoutd View Post
    I'm trying to describe a situation when a husband and a wife have one last drink before they separate. This is what I have written:

    John and Nicole stared at each other in a sad silence. They knew their marriage was over, but they could pretend to be a couple for one last night. They raised their glasses and clinked wordlessly/without speaking. "Tomorrow, I will be a free woman," Nicole thought. "I will never love again," John thought.

    I'm not happy with it. How can I make it better?
    It's good.

    It's clear what they're pretending, so you don't need to state it.

    The toast wasn't silent. There was a clink.

    In contemporary writing, thoughts no long have quotation marks around them. Some books use italics, others don't.

    I like your parallel Nicole thought/John thought. It adds both humor and pathos.
    I'm not a teacher. I speak American English. I've tutored writing at the University of Southern Maine and have done a good deal of copy editing and writing, occasionally for publication.

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •