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  1. #1
    alpacinoutd is offline Key Member
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    He walked in the house, hoping his mom

    Is this good?

    He walked in the house, hoping his mom hadn't had dinner yet. "Ma, I bought the best salami in the world, you better be hungry" he said, enthusiastically. The house was silent. "Ma! Where are you?" he shouted. No answer. Her bedroom was empty. He found her in the bathroom. The sickly white of the tile floor had turned dark with her blood. It looked black in the dim light. She was staring at him silently, the tiny veins in her eyes swollen. He didn't even check her pulse as John was consumed with hate at that moment. Hate for the world and for his mom. She had chosen to abandon him when things got tough.

  2. #2
    emsr2d2's Avatar
    emsr2d2 is offline Moderator
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    Re: He walked in the house, hoping his mom

    Quote Originally Posted by alpacinoutd View Post
    Is this good?

    He John walked into the house, hoping his mom hadn't had dinner yet. "Ma, I bought the best salami in the world; you'd better be hungry", he said no comma here enthusiastically. The house was silent. "Ma! Where are you?", he shouted. No answer. Her bedroom was empty. He found her in the bathroom. The sickly white of the tiled floor had turned was dark with her blood. It looked black in the dim light. She was staring at him silently, the tiny veins in her eyes swollen. He didn't even check her pulse as John he was consumed with hate at that moment. Hate for the world and for his mom. She had chosen to abandon him when things got tough.
    See above.

    I don't think "sickly white" works. Why would white tiles suggest "sickly"? I would have used "the normally bright white of the tiled floor" or similar.

    I don't think "swollen" fits with "tiny veins". I'm under the impression that the veins in the eyes burst when someone suffocates or is strangled (or hangs themself) but it doesn't sound like that's what happened here.

    I changed "He" to "John" at the start (and vice versa later on) - it's better to introduce him by name at the beginning.
    Remember - if you don't use correct capitalisation, punctuation and spacing, anything you write will be incorrect.

  3. #3
    alpacinoutd is offline Key Member
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    Re: He walked in the house, hoping his mom

    Quote Originally Posted by emsr2d2 View Post
    See above.

    I don't think "sickly white" works. Why would white tiles suggest "sickly"? I would have used "the normally bright white of the tiled floor" or similar.

    I don't think "swollen" fits with "tiny veins". I'm under the impression that the veins in the eyes burst when someone suffocates or is strangled (or hangs themself) but it doesn't sound like that's what happened here.

    I changed "He" to "John" at the start (and vice versa later on) - it's better to introduce him by name at the beginning.
    You are right. She committed suicide. What word can I use instead of swollen?

  4. #4
    emsr2d2's Avatar
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    Re: He walked in the house, hoping his mom

    Quote Originally Posted by alpacinoutd View Post
    You are right. She committed suicide. What word can I use instead of swollen?
    I'm not sure there's anything to be said about the veins (capillaries?) in her eyes if she didn't die by one of those methods. Given the amount of blood, are we to take it that she slit her wrists?
    Remember - if you don't use correct capitalisation, punctuation and spacing, anything you write will be incorrect.

  5. #5
    alpacinoutd is offline Key Member
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    Re: He walked in the house, hoping his mom

    Quote Originally Posted by emsr2d2 View Post
    I'm not sure there's anything to be said about the veins (capillaries?) in her eyes if she didn't die by one of those methods. Given the amount of blood, are we to take it that she slit her wrists?
    Yes. She did. But it's a story and I can change the details. Do I need explicitly mention that she slit her wrists?

  6. #6
    emsr2d2's Avatar
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    Re: He walked in the house, hoping his mom

    No, not at all, but I don't think there's any reason to mention the capillaries in her eyes. I think they would look roughly the same as normal even though she's dead. If you simply want to refer to the fact that her eyes are open, you can do that with a different sentence.
    Remember - if you don't use correct capitalisation, punctuation and spacing, anything you write will be incorrect.

  7. #7
    alpacinoutd is offline Key Member
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    Re: He walked in the house, hoping his mom

    Quote Originally Posted by emsr2d2 View Post
    No, not at all, but I don't think there's any reason to mention the capillaries in her eyes. I think they would look roughly the same as normal even though she's dead. If you simply want to refer to the fact that her eyes are open, you can do that with a different sentence.
    Alright. So maybe I won't mention that. How about this?

    John walked into the house, hoping his mom hadn't had dinner yet. "Ma, I bought the best salami in the world; you'd better be hungry", he said enthusiastically. The house was silent. "Ma! Where are you?", he shouted. No answer. Her bedroom was empty. He found her in the bathroom. The pale white of the tiled floor was dark with her blood. It looked black in the dim light. She was staring at him silently. He didn't even check her pulse as he was consumed with hate at that moment. Hate for the world and for his mom. She had chosen to abandon him when things got tough.

  8. #8
    Tarheel's Avatar
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    Re: He walked in the house, hoping his mom

    Quote Originally Posted by alpacinoutd View Post
    Yes. She did. But it's a story and I can change the details. Do I need to explicitly mention that she slit her wrists?
    Probably at some point, yes. (That's assuming there's going to be more to the story.)
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  9. #9
    Tarheel's Avatar
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    Re: He walked in the house, hoping his mom

    Quote Originally Posted by alpacinoutd View Post
    Alright. So maybe I won't mention that. How about this?

    John walked into the house, hoping his mom hadn't had dinner yet. "Ma, I bought the best salami in the world; you'd better be hungry", he said enthusiastically. The house was silent. "Ma! Where are you?", he shouted. No answer. Her bedroom was empty. He found her in the bathroom. The pale white of the tiled floor was dark with her blood. It looked black in the dim light. She was staring at him silently. He didn't even check her pulse as he was consumed with hate at that moment. Hate for the world and for his mom. She had chosen to abandon him when things got tough.
    That's better. The reader knows by that last sentence that she committed suicide. (But you already knew that.)
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  10. #10
    Tdol is offline Editor, UsingEnglish.com
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    Re: He walked in the house, hoping his mom

    I honestly think sickly white could work here, given the scene being described, like a projection of what was going through his mind.

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