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  1. #1
    alpacinoutd is offline Key Member
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    it wasn't the same

    Is this good?

    Harris felt it. It just wasn't the same anymore. Their conversations lacked the usual spark. She didn't smile the way she used to when she saw him. The level of their adrenaline gradually faded after eight years of marriage.

  2. #2
    alpacinoutd is offline Key Member
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    Re: it wasn't the same

    Quote Originally Posted by alpacinoutd View Post
    Is this good?

    Harris felt it. It just wasn't the same anymore. Their conversations lacked the usual spark. She didn't smile the way she used to when she saw him. The level of their adrenaline gradually faded after eight years of marriage.
    I myself feel that adrenaline part needs work.

  3. #3
    Charlie Bernstein's Avatar
    Charlie Bernstein is offline VIP Member
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    Re: it wasn't the same

    I'd also delete some words in a couple of places. Can you guess where?
    I'm not a teacher. I speak American English. I've tutored writing at the University of Southern Maine and have done a good deal of copy editing and writing, occasionally for publication.

  4. #4
    alpacinoutd is offline Key Member
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    Re: it wasn't the same

    Quote Originally Posted by Charlie Bernstein View Post
    Can you guess where?
    These?

    Harris felt it. It just wasn't the same anymore. Their conversations lacked the usual spark. She didn't smile the way she used to when she saw him.

    Does this sentence work?

    Their level of their adrenaline for one another gradually faded after eight years of marriage.

  5. #5
    Charlie Bernstein's Avatar
    Charlie Bernstein is offline VIP Member
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    Re: it wasn't the same

    Quote Originally Posted by alpacinoutd View Post
    These?

    Harris felt it. It just wasn't the same anymore. Their conversations lacked the usual spark. She didn't smile the way she used to when she saw him.

    Yup! See? Tightening is easy!

    Does this sentence work?

    Their level of their adrenaline for one another gradually faded after eight years of marriage.

    It doesn't seem very natural to me especially adrenaline. It's too clinical. How about looking for something like:

    - Their ardor had faded after . . . .
    - Their passion had faded after. . . .
    - Their love had faded after. . . .
    - There was no love left after . . . .
    - The romance was gone after
    - The flame had died after . . . .

    Those won't win any prized, either, but they'll give you an idea of what I mean. Maybe you can come up something better.
    That's what I know!
    I'm not a teacher. I speak American English. I've tutored writing at the University of Southern Maine and have done a good deal of copy editing and writing, occasionally for publication.

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