Results 1 to 6 of 6
  1. #1
    rodgers white is offline Senior Member
    • Member Info
      • Native Language:
      • Chinese
      • Home Country:
      • China
      • Current Location:
      • China
    Join Date
    Jan 2016
    Posts
    570

    ...scare me to...

    Hi there. Would you please proofread the following text? Any help would be appreciated.

    ************************************************** **********************************************

    Gan said, “As for what all this means, it means Rui and Meili succeeded beyond anything I imagined, and it gladdens my heart.” Gan got up and sat beside his daughter, putting his arm around her he kissed her forehead. “Thank you.”

    Jingying took over the storytelling, something that now seemed a little more mundane than that of Lanhua’s dream. Her stories took them late into the night before she stopped. “Yang, it’s late, you had better take Qingmei home before her parents think we’ve abducted her.”

    They all stood and said their goodbyes, Lanhua whispered something into Yang’s ear, Yang turned red but smiled and taking Qingmei’s hand walked her towards the door. Qingmei turned and said,” Thank you. Thank you all so much for making me feel welcome, and the amazing stories.”

    Walking her home, Yang said, “Sorry, I hope my sister didn’t freak you out too much. Her dreams are not usually that weird. Once you get to know her you’ll see, she’s just like anyone else.”

    Qingmei squeezed his hand. “I think your sister is the bravest girl I’ve ever met, having those dreams would scare me to the bone.”

    Yang said, “Me too.She’s had them since she was not much taller than my knee, maybe longer.”

    Qingmei said, “Are you going to tell me what she whispered to you or, is it a brother-sister secret?”

    Yang said, “She told me her first dream of you was about tonight, our walk over to my house and our kiss.”
    Last edited by emsr2d2; 19-Jan-2021 at 11:36. Reason: Enlarge font in opening sentences
    Three passions have governed my life: the longing for love, the search for knowledge, and unbearable pity for the suffering of mankind.

  2. #2
    Charlie Bernstein's Avatar
    Charlie Bernstein is offline VIP Member
    • Member Info
      • Native Language:
      • English
      • Home Country:
      • United States
      • Current Location:
      • United States
    Join Date
    Jan 2009
    Posts
    8,493

    Re: ...scare me to...

    Quote Originally Posted by rodgers white View Post
    Hi there. Would you please proofread the following text? Any help would be appreciated.

    ************************************************** **********************************************

    Gan said, “As for what all this means, it means Rui and Meili succeeded beyond anything I imagined, and it gladdens my heart.” Gan got up and sat beside his daughter. Putting his arm around her, he kissed her forehead. “Thank you.”

    Jingying took over the storytelling, something that now seemed a little more mundane after hearing Lanhua’s dream. Her stories took them late into the night before she stopped. “Yang, it’s late. You had better take Qingmei home before her parents think we’ve abducted her.”

    They all stood and said their goodbyes. Lanhua whispered something into Yang’s ear. Yang turned red but smiled and, taking Qingmei’s hand, walked her towards the door. Qingmei turned and said,” Thank you. Thank you all so much for making me feel welcome, and for the amazing stories.”

    Walking her home, Yang said, “Sorry. I hope my sister didn’t freak you out too much. Her dreams are not usually that weird. Once you get to know her you’ll see, she’s just like anyone else.”

    Qingmei squeezed his hand. “I think your sister is the bravest girl I’ve ever met. Having those dreams would scare me to the bone.”

    Yang said, “Me, too. [space] She’s had them since she was not much taller than my knee, maybe longer.”

    Qingmei said, “Are you going to tell me what she whispered to you, or is it a brother-sister secret?”

    Yang said, “She told me her first dream of you was about tonight, our walk over to my house and our kiss.”
    Mind the run-ons!
    I'm not a teacher. I speak American English. I've tutored writing at the University of Southern Maine and have done a good deal of copy editing and writing, occasionally for publication.

  3. #3
    rodgers white is offline Senior Member
    • Member Info
      • Native Language:
      • Chinese
      • Home Country:
      • China
      • Current Location:
      • China
    Join Date
    Jan 2016
    Posts
    570

    Re: ...scare me to...

    Thank you for reminding me again. By the way, you mentioned Elmore Leonard and thought highly of him as the king of American dialogue. I watched the film 'Get shorty'. It's good. Maybe I will read the novel as well. Thank you.
    Three passions have governed my life: the longing for love, the search for knowledge, and unbearable pity for the suffering of mankind.

  4. #4
    Tarheel's Avatar
    Tarheel is offline VIP Member
    • Member Info
      • Native Language:
      • American English
      • Home Country:
      • United States
      • Current Location:
      • United States
    Join Date
    Jun 2014
    Posts
    22,266

    Re: ...scare me to...

    She's had them since she was not much taller than my knee.

    Well, knees don't have height. Perhaps:

    She's had them since she was three years old.

    Using "She didn't even come up to my knee" or something like that doesn't tell us how long she's been having the dreams. Perhaps:

    She's been having them for a long time. She wasn't even three years old when they started.

    Or something like that.
    Not a professional teacher

  5. #5
    rodgers white is offline Senior Member
    • Member Info
      • Native Language:
      • Chinese
      • Home Country:
      • China
      • Current Location:
      • China
    Join Date
    Jan 2016
    Posts
    570

    Re: ...scare me to...

    Thank you, Tarheel. You are right. What about the amended vision now?

    ************************************************** ********************
    Gan said, “As for what all this means, it means Rui and Meili succeeded beyond anything I imagined, and it gladdens my heart.” Gan got up and sat beside his daughter. Putting his arm around her, he kissed her forehead. “Thank you.”

    Jingying took over the storytelling, something that now seemed a little more mundane after hearing Lanhua’s dream. Her stories took them late into the night before she stopped. “Yang, it’s late. You had better take Qingmei home before her parents think we’ve abducted her.”

    They all stood and said their goodbyes. Lanhua whispered something into Yang’s ear. Yang turned red but smiled and, taking Qingmei’s hand, walked her towards the door. Qingmei turned and said,” Thank you. Thank you all so much for making me feel welcome, and for the amazing stories.”

    Walking her home, Yang said, “Sorry. I hope my sister didn’t freak you out too much. Her dreams are not usually that weird. Once you get to know her you’ll see, she’s just like anyone else.”

    Qingmei squeezed his hand. “I think your sister is the bravest girl I’ve ever met. Having those dreams would scare me to the bone.”

    Yang said, “Me, too. She’s had them since she was three years old, maybe longer.”

    Qingmei said, “Are you going to tell me what she whispered to you, or is it a brother-sister secret?”

    Yang said, “She told me her first dream of you was about tonight, our walk over to my house and our kiss.”


    ************************************************** **********************************************

    Is there any room to improve, or do you have any other suggestions?
    Three passions have governed my life: the longing for love, the search for knowledge, and unbearable pity for the suffering of mankind.

  6. #6
    Tarheel's Avatar
    Tarheel is offline VIP Member
    • Member Info
      • Native Language:
      • American English
      • Home Country:
      • United States
      • Current Location:
      • United States
    Join Date
    Jun 2014
    Posts
    22,266

    Re: ...scare me to...

    Excellent!
    Not a professional teacher

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •