Results 1 to 10 of 10
  1. #1
    rodgers white is offline Senior Member
    • Member Info
      • Native Language:
      • Chinese
      • Home Country:
      • China
      • Current Location:
      • China
    Join Date
    Jan 2016
    Posts
    564

    ...overwhelmed with happiness...

    Hi there. Would you please proofread the following text? Any help would be appreciated.

    ************************************************** ******************************************

    Lanhua went to bed, and her parents cleaned up the dinner dishes etc. Just before climbing into bed, Gan wrote a short message on the last page of his journal. “Dear brother, Rui, I am overwhelmed with happiness that you and Meili (Or should I say YiYang and Debra) find your freedom beyond the computer, and even the machines my father built for you. You and my niece are beautiful, give her my love. I am also glad that you found such good friends, Kai, David, Jingying and Professor, from beyond the city. Oh, surprise, surprise, my daughter dreams the future. Your loving Brother, Gan.”

    Jingying giggled and said,“That will freak him out a bit when he first reads it, but I can imagine how glad it will make him feel.”

    Jingying went to have her shower, and Gan reminisced for a few moments, then, he glued two small envelopes onto the last page, glued it to the second-last page, and closed the book.

    About a hundred metres from Qingmei’s home, Qingmei said, “Do you think your sister is asleep, dreaming of us?”

    Yang smirked mischievously, “I don’t know, I’m not going to let it worry me. Besides, she will keep our secrets.”

    Qingmei stopped, closed her eyes, and angled her face upward. Yang stared at her upturned face for a few moments, thinking how beautiful it was under the moonlight, and then he kissed her.
    Three passions have governed my life: the longing for love, the search for knowledge, and unbearable pity for the suffering of mankind.

  2. #2
    Tarheel's Avatar
    Tarheel is offline VIP Member
    • Member Info
      • Native Language:
      • American English
      • Home Country:
      • United States
      • Current Location:
      • United States
    Join Date
    Jun 2014
    Posts
    22,202

    Re: ...overwhelmed with happiness...

    Say:

    Just before going to bed ....

    (I don't have time for more now. It's my bedtime too.)
    Not a professional teacher

  3. #3
    Tarheel's Avatar
    Tarheel is offline VIP Member
    • Member Info
      • Native Language:
      • American English
      • Home Country:
      • United States
      • Current Location:
      • United States
    Join Date
    Jun 2014
    Posts
    22,202

    Re: ...overwhelmed with happiness...

    We have breakfast, but we take a bath or take a shower. (Don't ask me why. I didn't invent this crazy language. )
    Not a professional teacher

  4. #4
    Tarheel's Avatar
    Tarheel is offline VIP Member
    • Member Info
      • Native Language:
      • American English
      • Home Country:
      • United States
      • Current Location:
      • United States
    Join Date
    Jun 2014
    Posts
    22,202

    Re: ...overwhelmed with happiness...

    Try:

    You and my niece are beautiful together. Give her my love.

    And:

    I am glad you made such good friends, Kai, David, Jingying, and Professor from beyond the city.


    And:

    Oh, surprise, surprise! My daughter dreams the future.

    And:

    I don't know. I'm not going to let it worry me.

    Comma splices!
    Not a professional teacher

  5. #5
    Charlie Bernstein's Avatar
    Charlie Bernstein is offline VIP Member
    • Member Info
      • Native Language:
      • English
      • Home Country:
      • United States
      • Current Location:
      • United States
    Join Date
    Jan 2009
    Posts
    8,446

    Re: ...overwhelmed with happiness...

    Quote Originally Posted by rodgers white View Post
    Hi there. Would you please proofread the following text? Any help would be appreciated.

    ************************************************** ******************************************

    Lanhua went to bed, and her parents cleaned up the dinner dishes etc.

    We use etc. in business letters. We usually don't elsewhere.


    Just before climbing into bed, Gan wrote a short message on the last page of his notebook. “Dear brother, Rui, I am overwhelmed with happiness that you and Meili (or should I say YiYang and Debra?) find your freedom beyond the computer, and even the machines my father built for you. You and my niece are beautiful. Give her my love. I am also glad that you found such good friends, Kai, David, Jingying and Professor, from beyond the city. Oh, surprise, surprise, my daughter dreams the future. Your loving Brother, Gan.”

    We write journals and diaries to ourselves. We write letters to other people. You probably mean Gan is writing in a pad or a notebook.


    Jingying giggled and said,“That will freak him out a bit when he first reads it, but I can imagine how glad it will make him feel.”

    Jingying went to take a shower, and Gan reminisced for a few moments. Then he glued two small envelopes onto the last page, glued it to the second-to-last page, and closed the book.

    About a hundred metres from Qingmei’s home, Qingmei said, “Do you think your sister is asleep, dreaming of us?”

    Yang smirked mischievously and said, “I don’t know. I’m not going to let it worry me. Besides, she will keep our secrets.”

    We don't smirk words, we sy them.

    Athough you avoid them, you could use a period instead: Yang smirked mischievously. "I don't know. . . ."


    Qingmei stopped, closed her eyes, and angled her face upward. Yang stared at her upturned face for a few moments, thinking how beautiful it was under the moonlight, and then he kissed her.
    Do you just have trouble recognizing run-on sentences? Keep in mind that ninety percent of English is Subject-verb-object. Subject-verb-object. Subject-verb-object. . . .
    I'm not a teacher. I speak American English. I've tutored writing at the University of Southern Maine and have done a good deal of copy editing and writing, occasionally for publication.

  6. #6
    rodgers white is offline Senior Member
    • Member Info
      • Native Language:
      • Chinese
      • Home Country:
      • China
      • Current Location:
      • China
    Join Date
    Jan 2016
    Posts
    564

    Re: ...overwhelmed with happiness...

    Quote Originally Posted by Charlie Bernstein View Post
    Do you just have trouble recognizing run-on sentences? Keep in mind that ninety percent of English is Subject-verb-object. Subject-verb-object. Subject-verb-object. . . .
    Thank you for your time, Charlie. Sorry for my run-on sentences. You are right. I have trouble recognizing them. I will try my best to get rid of this bad habit. What about the amended version now?

    ************************************************** ************************************************** ***

    Just before climbing into bed, Gan wrote a short message on the last page of his journal. “Dear brother Rui, I am overwhelmed with happiness that you and Meili (or should I say YiYang and Debra?) find your freedom beyond the computer and even the machines my father built for you. You and my niece are beautiful. Give her my love. I am also glad that you found such good friends, Kai, David, Jingying and Professor, from beyond the city. Oh, surprise, surprise! My daughter dreams the future. Your loving Brother, Gan.”


    Jingying giggled and said,“That will freak him out a bit when he first reads it, but I can imagine how glad it will make him feel.”

    Jingying went to take a shower, and Gan reminisced for a few moments. Then he glued two small envelopes onto the last page, glued it to the second-to-last page, and closed the book.

    About a hundred metres from Qingmei’s home, Qingmei said, “Do you think your sister is asleep, dreaming of us?”

    Yang smirked mischievously and said, “I don’t know. I’m not going to let it worry me. Besides, she will keep our secrets.”


    By the way, Gan was writing a journal. The message he added at the end of journal was something would probably happen to Rui because his daughter could dream the future. Gan just wanted Rui to know this if Rui was lucky enough to find the journal in the cave.
    Last edited by rodgers white; 21-Jan-2021 at 23:51.
    Three passions have governed my life: the longing for love, the search for knowledge, and unbearable pity for the suffering of mankind.

  7. #7
    Charlie Bernstein's Avatar
    Charlie Bernstein is offline VIP Member
    • Member Info
      • Native Language:
      • English
      • Home Country:
      • United States
      • Current Location:
      • United States
    Join Date
    Jan 2009
    Posts
    8,446

    Re: ...overwhelmed with happiness...

    Quote Originally Posted by rodgers white View Post
    Thank you for your time, Charlie. Sorry for my run-on sentences. You are right. I have trouble recognizing them. I will try my best to get rid of this bad habit. What about the amended version now?

    ************************************************** ************************************************** ***

    Just before climbing into bed, Gan wrote a short message on the last page of his journal. “Dear brother Rui, I am overwhelmed with happiness that you and Meili (or should I say YiYang and Debra?) find your freedom beyond the computer and even the machines my father built for you. You and my niece are beautiful. Give her my love. I am also glad that you found such good friends, Kai, David, Jingying and Professor, from beyond the city. Oh, surprise, surprise! My daughter dreams the future. Your loving Brother, Gan.”


    Jingying giggled and said,“That will freak him out a bit when he first reads it, but I can imagine how glad it will make him feel.”

    Jingying went to take a shower, and Gan reminisced for a few moments. Then he glued two small envelopes onto the last page, glued it to the second-to-last page, and closed the book.

    About a hundred metres from Qingmei’s home, Qingmei said, “Do you think your sister is asleep, dreaming of us?”

    Yang smirked mischievously and said, “I don’t know. I’m not going to let it worry me. Besides, she will keep our secrets.”


    By the way, Gan was writing a journal. The message he added at the end of journal was something would probably happen to Rui because his daughter could dream the future. Gan just wanted Rui to know this if Rui was lucky enough to find the journal in the cave.
    Okay, now I understand the journal. As always, context is everything!

    It's fine.
    I'm not a teacher. I speak American English. I've tutored writing at the University of Southern Maine and have done a good deal of copy editing and writing, occasionally for publication.

  8. #8
    rodgers white is offline Senior Member
    • Member Info
      • Native Language:
      • Chinese
      • Home Country:
      • China
      • Current Location:
      • China
    Join Date
    Jan 2016
    Posts
    564

    Re: ...overwhelmed with happiness...

    Quote Originally Posted by Tarheel View Post
    Try:

    You and my niece are beautiful together. Give her my love.

    And:

    I am glad you made such good friends, Kai, David, Jingying, and Professor from beyond the city.
    Thank you for 'are beautiful together '. I never thought of being beautiful together for two androids.

    By the way, Kai, David, Jingying, and Professor are all from beyond the city. So that's the reason why I use a comma after Professor. It isn't just Professor from beyond the city.
    Three passions have governed my life: the longing for love, the search for knowledge, and unbearable pity for the suffering of mankind.

  9. #9
    emsr2d2's Avatar
    emsr2d2 is offline Moderator
    • Member Info
      • Native Language:
      • British English
      • Home Country:
      • UK
      • Current Location:
      • UK
    Join Date
    Jul 2009
    Posts
    59,249

    Re: ...overwhelmed with happiness...

    Quote Originally Posted by Tarheel View Post
    We have breakfast, but we take a bath or take a shower. (Don't ask me why. I didn't invent this crazy language. )
    In BrE, we have all of those.
    Remember - if you don't use correct capitalisation, punctuation and spacing, anything you write will be incorrect.

  10. #10
    Tarheel's Avatar
    Tarheel is offline VIP Member
    • Member Info
      • Native Language:
      • American English
      • Home Country:
      • United States
      • Current Location:
      • United States
    Join Date
    Jun 2014
    Posts
    22,202

    Re: ...overwhelmed with happiness...

    I didn't know there were two androids in the story. (In Star Trek TNG, Data, an android, is one of the crew members of the Enterprise. (He never uses contractions. He wasn't programmed to do so.))
    Not a professional teacher

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •