she was swept with airsickness

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alpacinou

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Hello.

Is this good?

As the plane took off, a strange mix of airsickness and homesickness swept over her. Her stomach heaved and rebelled and nausea overcame her as the coffee she had drunk before the flight burned her throat and poured out of her mouth over on the bald man sitting next to her. Overwhelmed with a burning shame, she would much rather be swallowed up by a black hole right there and then.
 
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emsr2d2

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Again, you have used a string of words in your title that doesn't appear in your post. You're not asking us about "She was swept with airsickness" (which is wrong). You used "strange mix of airsickness and homesickness swept over her" which is (almost) right. I say "almost" because you omitted the indefinite article before it.

Please take more care with your thread titles.
 

alpacinou

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Again, you have used a string of words in your title that doesn't appear in your post. You're not asking us about "She was swept with airsickness" (which is wrong). You used "strange mix of airsickness and homesickness swept over her" which is (almost) right. I say "almost" because you omitted the indefinite article before it.

Please take more care with your thread titles.

I actually noticed "a" before reading your post. Would you read it again please? Is it good now?
 

emsr2d2

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As I have just posted in another of your threads, asking if something is "good" is fairly pointless. It asks for a subjective opinion. Ask us if your pieces are grammatically correct.
 

alpacinou

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As I have just posted in another of your threads, asking if something is "good" is fairly pointless. It asks for a subjective opinion. Ask us if your pieces are grammatically correct.


Is it correct?
 

emsr2d2

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[STRIKE]Hello.[/STRIKE] Unnecessary. Please don't bother with a greeting that we have to take the time to delete because it's irrelevant.

Is this [STRIKE]good[/STRIKE] correct?

As the plane took off, a strange mix of airsickness and homesickness swept over her. Her stomach heaved and rebelled, and nausea overcame her as the coffee she had drunk before the flight burned her throat and poured out of her mouth over [STRIKE]on[/STRIKE] the bald man sitting next to her. Overwhelmed with [STRIKE]a[/STRIKE] burning shame, she would [STRIKE]much rather[/STRIKE] have liked to be swallowed up by a black hole right there and then.

See above. In case my strikethrough isn't clear, there shouldn't be an article before "burning shame".

It would be very odd to throw up over the head of the person sitting next to her. She would have to stand up to do that, which you're not allowed to do while the plane is taking off/ascending. If they're both sitting down, she would have to turn her head to the side in order to throw up over him at all. If she did that, she would probably throw up over his arm or possibly in his lap. If she's facing forward, she would simply throw up over the back of the seat in front of her.
 

alpacinou

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See above. In case my strikethrough isn't clear, there shouldn't be an article before "burning shame".

It would be very odd to throw up over the head of the person sitting next to her. She would have to stand up to do that, which you're not allowed to do while the plane is taking off/ascending. If they're both sitting down, she would have to turn her head to the side in order to throw up over him at all. If she did that, she would probably throw up over his arm or possibly in his lap. If she's facing forward, she would simply throw up over the back of the seat in front of her.

Fair enough. What about this?

As the plane took off, a strange mix of airsickness and homesickness swept over her. Her stomach heaved and rebelled, and nausea overcame her as the coffee she had drunk before the flight burned her throat and poured out of her mouth over the back of the man sitting in the front row. Overwhelmed with burning shame, she would have liked to be swallowed up by a black hole right there and then.
 

Tarheel

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If the coffee was going to burn her throat I would think it would have done so while going down, not when coming back up.
 

Tdol

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Acid reflux?
 

alpacinou

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If the coffee was going to burn her throat I would think it would have done so while going down, not when coming back up.

The throat always burns when a person vomits.
 

Tarheel

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Well, it's not pleasant, but I wouldn't say it's a burning sensation that you feel. It's the stomach's contents that are expelled from the body when a person vomits. So the vomitus is the same temperature as the stomach. (I have myself vomited, though not recently.) It's not a burning sensation that you feel. It just feels like the stuff coming back up. (Which is what it is.)
 

emsr2d2

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I think the OP is using a different meaning of "burning". When you vomit, there is a definite taste of acid in your throat. It's that sort of burning, not the heat kind.
 

Tdol

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People with eating disorders who make themselves vomit frequently can corrode the enamel of their teeth because of the acid.
 

Tarheel

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I think the OP should make it clear which type of "burning" he means.

It's been a while, but I don't remember an acidy taste in my mouth. (It was bad enough having to throw up in the first place.)
 

alpacinou

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Is this okay?

As the plane took off, a strange mix of airsickness and homesickness swept over her. Her stomach heaved and rebelled, and nausea overcame her as the coffee she had drunk before the flight burned her throat and poured out of her mouth over the back of the man sitting in the front row. Overwhelmed with burning shame, she would have liked to be swallowed up by a black hole right there and then.
 

Tarheel

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Is this okay?

As the plane took off, a strange mix of airsickness and homesickness swept over her. Her stomach heaved and rebelled, and nausea overcame her as the coffee she had drunk before the flight burned her throat and poured out of her mouth over the back of the man sitting in the front row. Overwhelmed with burning shame, she would have liked to to have been swallowed up by a black hole right there and then.

Well, it's hard to see how she could have been feeling homesick as she had just left. Also, the airsickness part is described quite well, so you don't really need the word. Perhaps:

She suddenly felt a queasy feeling, and then it happened. She threw up all over the seat in front of her. She felt so embarrassed she wished she could crawl into a hole.

(Yours is not terrible. I just decided to write my own version instead of copying everything.)
 

alpacinou

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Just so I'm clear, is this okay?

As the plane took off, a strange mix of airsickness and homesickness swept over her. Her stomach heaved and rebelled, and nausea overcame her as the coffee she had drunk before the flight burned her throat and poured out of her mouth over the back of the man sitting in the front row. Overwhelmed with burning shame, she would have liked to be swallowed up by a black hole right there and then.
 

Tarheel

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jutfrank

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As I have just posted in another of your threads, asking if something is "good" is fairly pointless. It asks for a subjective opinion. Ask us if your pieces are grammatically correct.

I just want to pick up on this point because I've been gagging to say something similar for a while. I don't know why I haven't.

alpacinoutd, when you ask us whether your writing is good, it's almost meaningless. We could equally say yes or no, depending on how high our expectations of your writing are. Now, you obviously have a good command of English, but as an English teacher, I feel we have a duty to be picky with you where we might not be with a non-teacher. I hope you understand that.

As emsr2d2 suggests, asking us whether your writing is grammatically correct is a much clearer and simpler question, but I have a feeling that what you often really want to know is how you can improve your texts more generally. And since, I think we'll agree, you're not going to win the Nobel Prize for Literature for at least another few years, there's almost always a way to do that.

In my professional opinion, the main weakness of your writing is your vocabulary accuracy. If I sometimes seem very picky (or pickier than other members) about the way you use words, it is because I'm trying to help you specifically to tighten up this area.
 

Tarheel

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Well, I frequently suggest different words. And I'm sure he thinks I'm picky. However. I also think that's exactly what he wants.
:)
 
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