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  1. #1
    alpacinoutd is offline Key Member
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    On the subway Anna stared at the window

    Is this correct?

    On the subway Anna stared at the window, flashing between light and darkness and the metro went in and out of tunnels. She then looked at the drowsy faces of the commuters before her consciousness drifted off. She was suddenly in her childhood house yard, talking to the skeletal face of her dead mother.

  2. #2
    Tarheel's Avatar
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    Re: On the subway Anna stared at the window

    Quote Originally Posted by alpacinoutd View Post
    Is this correct?

    On the subway, Anna stared out the window, flashing between light and darkness as the metro went in and out of tunnels. She then looked at the drowsy faces of the commuters before she drifted off to sleep. She was suddenly in her childhood house yard, talking to the skeletal face of her dead mother.
    My suggestions.
    Last edited by emsr2d2; 29-Jan-2021 at 16:49. Reason: Added a correction
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  3. #3
    alpacinoutd is offline Key Member
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    Re: On the subway Anna stared at the window

    Thanks, I'd like to know if my version works as well.

  4. #4
    Tarheel's Avatar
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    Re: On the subway Anna stared at the window

    Well, she wasn't staring at the window. She was staring out the window. And she wasn't passing through the darkened tunnel and the brightness of day by turns. The train was doing that. So I would rewrite it.
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  5. #5
    Charlie Bernstein's Avatar
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    Re: On the subway Anna stared at the window

    If she were looking her reflection, she was staring at the window. But the rest of the story tells us she's looking out at the lights going by. So use staring out.

    If she lost consciousness, that means she fainted. You probably mean her attention drifted off.
    I'm not a teacher. I speak American English. I've tutored writing at the University of Southern Maine and have done a good deal of copy editing and writing, occasionally for publication.

  6. #6
    alpacinoutd is offline Key Member
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    Re: On the subway Anna stared at the window

    Quote Originally Posted by Charlie Bernstein View Post
    If she were looking her reflection, she was staring at the window. But the rest of the story tells us she's looking out at the lights going by. So use staring out.

    If she lost consciousness, that means she fainted. You probably mean her attention drifted off.
    I mean she dozed off.
    What about this?
    On the subway Anna stared out the window, flashing between light and darkness as the metro went in and out of tunnels. She then looked at the drowsy faces of the commuters before she dozed off. She was suddenly in her childhood house yard, talking to the skeletal face of her dead mother.

    Also, how can I express the underlined part in a better way?

  7. #7
    Tarheel's Avatar
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    Re: On the subway Anna stared at the window

    Well, if she was on a subway she was underground. Or maybe she was only underground part of the time, which was why the train moved between the brightness of day and the darkness of the tunnels.
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  8. #8
    emsr2d2's Avatar
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    Re: On the subway Anna stared at the window

    You need a comma after "On the subway".
    Remember - if you don't use correct capitalisation, punctuation and spacing, anything you write will be incorrect.

  9. #9
    alpacinoutd is offline Key Member
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    Re: On the subway Anna stared at the window

    Is this okay?

    On the subway, Anna stared out the window, flashing between the brightness of early morning and the blackness of tunnels. She then looked at the drowsy faces of the commuters before she herself dozed off. Anna was suddenly in her childhood house yard, talking to the skeletal face of her dead mother.

  10. #10
    emsr2d2's Avatar
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    Re: On the subway Anna stared at the window

    1. Who or what is flashing?
    2. The final sentence makes it sound as if she has the memory of talking to the skeletal face of her dead mother when she was a child! I don't think that's what you mean.
    Remember - if you don't use correct capitalisation, punctuation and spacing, anything you write will be incorrect.

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