Results 1 to 10 of 14

Hybrid View

Previous Post Previous Post   Next Post Next Post
  1. #1
    alpacinoutd is offline Key Member
    • Member Info
      • Member Type:
      • English Teacher
      • Native Language:
      • Persian
      • Home Country:
      • Iran
      • Current Location:
      • Iran
    Join Date
    Sep 2019
    Posts
    2,916

    On the subway Anna stared at the window

    Is this correct?

    On the subway Anna stared at the window, flashing between light and darkness and the metro went in and out of tunnels. She then looked at the drowsy faces of the commuters before her consciousness drifted off. She was suddenly in her childhood house yard, talking to the skeletal face of her dead mother.

  2. #2
    Tarheel's Avatar
    Tarheel is offline VIP Member
    • Member Info
      • Member Type:
      • Interested in Language
      • Native Language:
      • American English
      • Home Country:
      • United States
      • Current Location:
      • United States
    Join Date
    Jun 2014
    Posts
    22,830

    Re: On the subway Anna stared at the window

    Quote Originally Posted by alpacinoutd View Post
    Is this correct?

    On the subway, Anna stared out the window, flashing between light and darkness as the metro went in and out of tunnels. She then looked at the drowsy faces of the commuters before she drifted off to sleep. She was suddenly in her childhood house yard, talking to the skeletal face of her dead mother.
    My suggestions.
    Last edited by emsr2d2; 29-Jan-2021 at 16:49. Reason: Added a correction
    Not a professional teacher

  3. #3
    alpacinoutd is offline Key Member
    • Member Info
      • Member Type:
      • English Teacher
      • Native Language:
      • Persian
      • Home Country:
      • Iran
      • Current Location:
      • Iran
    Join Date
    Sep 2019
    Posts
    2,916

    Re: On the subway Anna stared at the window

    Thanks, I'd like to know if my version works as well.

  4. #4
    Tarheel's Avatar
    Tarheel is offline VIP Member
    • Member Info
      • Member Type:
      • Interested in Language
      • Native Language:
      • American English
      • Home Country:
      • United States
      • Current Location:
      • United States
    Join Date
    Jun 2014
    Posts
    22,830

    Re: On the subway Anna stared at the window

    Well, she wasn't staring at the window. She was staring out the window. And she wasn't passing through the darkened tunnel and the brightness of day by turns. The train was doing that. So I would rewrite it.
    Not a professional teacher

  5. #5
    Charlie Bernstein's Avatar
    Charlie Bernstein is offline VIP Member
    • Member Info
      • Member Type:
      • Other
      • Native Language:
      • English
      • Home Country:
      • United States
      • Current Location:
      • United States
    Join Date
    Jan 2009
    Posts
    9,497

    Re: On the subway Anna stared at the window

    If she were looking her reflection, she was staring at the window. But the rest of the story tells us she's looking out at the lights going by. So use staring out.

    If she lost consciousness, that means she fainted. You probably mean her attention drifted off.
    I'm not a teacher. I speak American English. I've tutored writing at the University of Southern Maine and have done a good deal of copy editing and writing, occasionally for publication.

  6. #6
    alpacinoutd is offline Key Member
    • Member Info
      • Member Type:
      • English Teacher
      • Native Language:
      • Persian
      • Home Country:
      • Iran
      • Current Location:
      • Iran
    Join Date
    Sep 2019
    Posts
    2,916

    Re: On the subway Anna stared at the window

    Quote Originally Posted by Charlie Bernstein View Post
    If she were looking her reflection, she was staring at the window. But the rest of the story tells us she's looking out at the lights going by. So use staring out.

    If she lost consciousness, that means she fainted. You probably mean her attention drifted off.
    I mean she dozed off.
    What about this?
    On the subway Anna stared out the window, flashing between light and darkness as the metro went in and out of tunnels. She then looked at the drowsy faces of the commuters before she dozed off. She was suddenly in her childhood house yard, talking to the skeletal face of her dead mother.

    Also, how can I express the underlined part in a better way?

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •