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  1. #1
    alpacinoutd is offline Key Member
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    She could taste the pollution on her tongue

    Is this okay?

    Jane looked out the window. The city was shrouded in a smothering gray-brown duvet of smog. She could taste the pollution on her tongue after she opened the window.

    What can I say instead of the underlined part?
    Last edited by alpacinoutd; 30-Jan-2021 at 11:24.

  2. #2
    Charlie Bernstein's Avatar
    Charlie Bernstein is offline VIP Member
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    Re: She could taste the pollution on her tongue

    Quote Originally Posted by alpacinoutd View Post
    Is this okay?

    Jane looked out the window. The city was shrouded in a smothering gray-brown duvet of smog. She could taste the pollution on her tongue after she opened the window.

    What can I say instead of the underlined part?
    I'd say: When she opened the window, she could taste the pollution.

    (We know her tongue is where she's tasting it.)
    I'm not a teacher. I speak American English. I've tutored writing at the University of Southern Maine and have done a good deal of copy editing and writing, occasionally for publication.

  3. #3
    alpacinoutd is offline Key Member
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    Re: She could taste the pollution on her tongue

    Quote Originally Posted by Charlie Bernstein View Post
    I'd say: When she opened the window, she could taste the pollution.

    (We know her tongue is where she's tasting it.)
    Jane looked out the window. The city was shrouded in a smothering gray-brown duvet of smog. She could taste the pollution after she opened the window.

  4. #4
    emsr2d2's Avatar
    emsr2d2 is offline Moderator
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    Re: She could taste the pollution on her tongue

    Quote Originally Posted by alpacinoutd View Post
    She could taste the pollution after she opened the window.
    I don't like the word order in that sentence. I'd start with the fact that she opened the window. Try reordering it.
    Remember - if you don't use correct capitalisation, punctuation and spacing, anything you write will be incorrect.

  5. #5
    alpacinoutd is offline Key Member
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    Re: She could taste the pollution on her tongue

    Quote Originally Posted by emsr2d2 View Post
    I don't like the word order in that sentence. I'd start with the fact that she opened the window. Try reordering it.
    This?

    Jane looked out the window. The city was shrouded in a smothering gray-brown duvet of smog. She opened the window, tasting the pollution.

  6. #6
    alpacinoutd is offline Key Member
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    Re: She could taste the pollution on her tongue

    Jane looked out the window. The city was shrouded in a smothering gray-brown duvet of smog. She opened the window, her stomach clenching as she tasted the pollution.

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