[General] shared milestones were appealing to you

[Economist2010]

"I hope that these shared milestones were appealing to you. I wonder if I can be given a chance for an interview to discuss this more and to show how I can add value to the team. I am sure you will find me as an added value to the team"

 

[Charlie Bernstein]

"I hope that these shared milestones were appealing to you. I wonder if I can have an interview to discuss this more and to talk about how I can add value to the team. [STRIKE]I am sure you will find me as an added value to the team[/STRIKE]"

Again, avoid being redundant. Business people really hate that.

Why didn't you punctuate the end of your last sentence? It's interesting that you take the time to repeat yourself but don't take time to end sentences.

 

[Economist2010]

"I hope that these shared milestones were appealing to you. I wonder if I can be given a chance for an interview to discuss this more and to show how I can add value to the team. I am sure you will find me as an added value to the team."

I recently shared this with someone and he has many comments on it as follows:

I do not like "milestones" - as far as I am aware (the word is not in my regular vocabulary) "milestones" is dated jargon and should be avoided.

The adjective "shared" is patronising to the point of almost being insulting to your readers' intelligence.

"appealing" is the wrong adjective.

"I wonder if "is pointless musing - you are speaking to yourself - you need to be speaking to the reader.

how I can add value and an added value to the team" repeats add/added value and fails to be idiomatic, and humans cannot, be "a value".

I wonder if you can proofread it for me considering his comments. For example, he said "appealing" is wrong so what would be right from your point of view.

 

[Tarheel]

I do not know what you mean by "appealing" there. Nor do I know what "milestones" refers to. Also, you should end a question with a question mark.

As far as I can tell you haven't even met the person yet. So I don't know why you are sharing milestones with him.

Don't stray too far from your comfort zone.

Work on punctuation.

 

[Economist2010]

I do not know what you mean by "appealing" there. Nor do I know what "milestones" refers to. Also, you should end a question with a question mark.

As far as I can tell you haven't even met the person yet. So I don't know why you are sharing milestones with him.

Don't stray too far from your comfort zone.

Work on punctuation.

I mean by "appealing": interesting
I mean by "milestones l": achievements

 

[emsr2d2]

I wonder if you can proofread it for me considering his comments. For example, he said "appealing" is wrong so what would be right from your point of view.

I don't see why we should rewrite something based on someone else's comments. Why don't you ask him how he would improve it? We will tell you what we think.

 

[Economist2010]

I don't see why we should rewrite something based on someone else's comments. Why don't you ask him how he would improve it? We will tell you what we think.

I should rewrite it because he is a native speaker and of course he knows better than me so I should put what he said in my consideration

 

[Charlie Bernstein]

I should rewrite it because he is a native speaker and of course he knows better than I do, so I should put what he said in my consideration.

Right. That's exactly what Ems is saying. Rewrite it.

Now: How can we get you to punctuate the ends of sentences?

 

[emsr2d2]

How can we get you to punctuate the ends of sentences?

Here's one simple solution. I will delete any future posts by Economist2010 that contain a sentence with no closing punctuation mark.

 

[Tarheel]

Just because a person is a native speaker that doesn't mean he is a good writer. (Read some Facebook posts.)

Say:

By milestones I mean achievements.
By appealing I mean interesting.

Please get in the habit of putting periods (full stops) at the ends of sentences.

You might say, "What about questions?" Well, what goes at the end of a question?

Exclamations.

What!
Wow!
Whoa!
No!
Yes!

I am meager with commas. But you have me beat on that score. You don't seem to like them at all. One rule of thumb is to put a comma where a person would naturally pause.

This----->.
This---'>?
Or this---> !