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  1. #1
    alpacinoutd is offline Key Member
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    Charlie locked his eyes onto Janice.

    Charlie locked his eyes onto Janice. "Why did your arm twitch when Patrick said he is leaving? Do you have feelings for him?" he asked.
    Janice narrowed her eyes. "You are just a friend, nothing more. Know your place."
    "Relax Jan, I'm just asking," he said offering her a mug of coffee.
    "What gives you the right to ask?" She pushed him aside and went to bathroom.
    "The four years of my life I wasted on you give me the right to ask," he said to the empty dining room.
    Last edited by alpacinoutd; 31-Jan-2021 at 21:41.

  2. #2
    Charlie Bernstein's Avatar
    Charlie Bernstein is offline VIP Member
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    Re: Charlie locked his eyes onto Janice.

    Quote Originally Posted by alpacinoutd View Post
    Charlie locked his eyes onto Janice. "Why did your arm twitch when Patrick said he is leaving? Do you have feelings for him?" he asked.

    Hm. Why did her arm twitch? That seems like an unlikely reaction.


    Janice narrowed her eyes. "You're just a friend, nothing more. Know your place."

    That's doesn't sound like a friend. Give it another shot.


    "Relax Jan, I'm just asking," he said offering her a mug of coffee.

    "What gives you the right to ask?" She pushed him aside and went to bathroom.

    "The four years of my life I wasted on you give me the right to ask," he said to the empty dining room.
    You have some good ideas there. You might fool around with them to give them a little more reality.
    I'm not a teacher. I speak American English. I've tutored writing at the University of Southern Maine and have done a good deal of copy editing and writing, occasionally for publication.

  3. #3
    alpacinoutd is offline Key Member
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    Re: Charlie locked his eyes onto Janice.

    Quote Originally Posted by Charlie Bernstein View Post
    You have some good ideas there. You might fool around with them to give them a little more reality.
    Fair enough.

    And this?

    Charlie locked his eyes onto Janice. "Why did you blush when Patrick sat next to you? Do you have feelings for him or something?" he asked.
    Janice narrowed her eyes. "You're just a colleague, nothing more. Know your place."
    "Relax Jan, I'm just asking," he said offering her a mug of coffee.
    "What gives you the right to ask?" She pushed him aside and went to bathroom.
    "The four years of my life I wasted chasing you give me the right to ask," he said to the empty dining room.

  4. #4
    Charlie Bernstein's Avatar
    Charlie Bernstein is offline VIP Member
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    Re: Charlie locked his eyes onto Janice.

    Better! That's a lot more natural.
    I'm not a teacher. I speak American English. I've tutored writing at the University of Southern Maine and have done a good deal of copy editing and writing, occasionally for publication.

  5. #5
    emsr2d2's Avatar
    emsr2d2 is offline Moderator
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    Re: Charlie locked his eyes onto Janice.

    Quote Originally Posted by alpacinoutd View Post
    Charlie locked his eyes onto Janice. "Why did you blush when Patrick sat next to you? Do you have feelings for him or something?", he asked.

    Janice narrowed her eyes. "You're just a colleague, nothing more. Know your place."

    "Relax, Jan. I'm just asking," he said, offering her a mug of coffee.

    "What gives you the right to ask?" She pushed him aside and went to bathroom.

    "The four years of my life I wasted chasing you give me the right to ask," he said to the empty dining room.
    Note my amendments above. I find the fact that you combined every line of dialogue with an action a bit grating.
    Remember - if you don't use correct capitalisation, punctuation and spacing, anything you write will be incorrect.

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