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  1. #1
    rodgers white is offline Senior Member
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    ...kept coming to...

    Hi there. Would you please proofread the following text? Any help would be appreciated.

    ************************************************** ***************************************

    Even after all the representatives had looked through the scope, people kept coming to have a look for themselves, which did not bother Gan, he only needed about 30 minutes for his personal observations. When finished, Gan would set the telescope to look at various things, mostly the Moon, which could be seen in great detail, though Mars, Jupiter, and Saturn, also attracted some interest.

    All the fuss Lanhua attracted eventually took its toll, and she began avoiding people as much as possible, even many of her friends, especially the ones that used her to gain attention for themselves. She learned which friends were her real friends when they came to visit her. Some wanted her to go to the market or other places with them; so that they could be seen with her. A few, just wanted to see her, ask how she was, and didn’t mind if they went anywhere or not. The latter, she decided, were the best friends of all.

    The Elders organised the moving of everyone’s belongings; the cave was large enough to hold everything which seemed to raise everyone’s spirits even more than that of mere survival.

    By the time everybody had moved all their stuff, Gan had the first glimpse of what turned out to be five Asteroids headed their way. The sighting was vague, a small pinprick of light in the black background of the night sky.
    Three passions have governed my life: the longing for love, the search for knowledge, and unbearable pity for the suffering of mankind.

  2. #2
    Charlie Bernstein's Avatar
    Charlie Bernstein is offline VIP Member
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    Re: ...kept coming to...

    Quote Originally Posted by rodgers white View Post
    Hi there. Would you please proofread the following text? Any help would be appreciated.

    ************************************************** ***************************************

    Even after all the representatives had looked through the scope, people kept coming to have a look for themselves, which did not bother Gan. He only needed about thirty minutes for his personal observations. When finished, Gan would set the telescope to look at various things, mostly the moon, which could be seen in great detail, though Mars, Jupiter, and Saturn, also attracted some interest.

    We don't capitalize moon or sun.


    All the fuss Lanhua attracted eventually took its toll, and she began avoiding people as much as possible, even many of her friends, especially the ones that used her to gain attention for themselves. She learned which friends were her real friends when they came to visit her. Some wanted her to go to the market or other places with them; so that they could be seen with her. A few, just wanted to see her, and ask how she was, and didn’t mind if they went anywhere or not.

    You have a series within a series there. That's fine, but be careful. The smaller series is "see her and ask how she was." It needs a conjunction (and) and no comma.

    That series is inside this series: "just wanted to see her and ask how she was and didn't mind if they went anywhere or not." Again, it needs a conjunction and no comma.

    Only use commas in series of three or more.

    Remember that punctuation is a roadmap. When punctuation is wrong, the reader can get lost.


    The latter, she decided, were the best friends of all.

    The Elders organised the moving of everyone’s belongings. The cave was large enough to hold everything, which seemed to raise everyone’s spirits even more than that of mere survival.

    There's that roadmap again! Without a comma, the cave can only hold things that seem to raise spirits. With a comma, the cave can hold everything.


    By the time everybody had moved all their things/possessions, Gan had had his first glimpse of what turned out to be five asteroids headed their way. The sighting was vague, a small pinprick of light in the black background of the night sky.

    You've been using formal language throughout. For that tone, stuff doesn't fit. It breaks the mood.

    Since you started the sentence with "By the time," you need to say something like:

    - Gan had had his first . . . .

    - Gan had gotten his first . . . . (American English)

    - Gan had already had his first . . . .

    - Gan had finally had a first . . . .

    Things are getting exciting!
    Last edited by Charlie Bernstein; 02-Feb-2021 at 16:49.
    I'm not a teacher. I speak American English. I've tutored writing at the University of Southern Maine and have done a good deal of copy editing and writing, occasionally for publication.

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