Results 1 to 7 of 7
  1. #1
    rodgers white is offline Senior Member
    • Member Info
      • Member Type:
      • English Teacher
      • Native Language:
      • Chinese
      • Home Country:
      • China
      • Current Location:
      • China
    Join Date
    Jan 2016
    Posts
    615

    ...gradually separated into...

    Hi there. Would you please proofread the following text? Any help would be appreciated.

    ************************************************** *********************************************

    Over the next few nights, the asteroids became more distinct and gradually separated into five points of light. Gan had the elders come over to see for themselves, but the elders and villagers couldn’t conceptualise their size and distance, So Gan made some drawings and taught them about the size of the solar system, the sun, and the planets, etc.

    Lanhua’s discomfort eventually became known around the village after Yang expressed his anger to a villager, who wanted to make some enquiry about her dreams. “Leave my sister alone she can barely leave the house because of people like you following her around asking her if she’s had a dream about them. You talk to her with respect in your voice while showing her none. Just leave her alone”.

    News of Yang’s explosive speech spread quickly and eventually reached the elders, who informed the villagers that they were to accede to Yang’s demand and stop bothering Lanhua. They made a rule that any dream concerning the villagers as a group or otherwise would be reported to them, and they would decide when or if it was to be shared.

    At first, there was a universal embarrassment throughout the village, soon calming down, however. And Lanhua found she could walk about as before. People still looked at her, but it was furtive, and soon reduced to almost nothing and she soon felt more normal. Boys, however, still stared as she walked passed, but not because of the dreams.
    Last edited by rodgers white; 04-Feb-2021 at 13:57.
    Three passions have governed my life: the longing for love, the search for knowledge, and unbearable pity for the suffering of mankind.

  2. #2
    tedmc is offline VIP Member
    • Member Info
      • Member Type:
      • Interested in Language
      • Native Language:
      • Chinese
      • Home Country:
      • Malaysia
      • Current Location:
      • Malaysia
    Join Date
    Apr 2014
    Posts
    7,543

    Re: ...gradually separated into...

    Quote Originally Posted by rodgers white View Post
    Hi there. Would you please proofread the following text? Any help would be appreciated.

    ************************************************** *********************************************

    Over the next few nights, the asteroids became more distinct and gradually separated into five points of light. Gan had the elders come over to see for themselves, but the elders and villagers couldn’t conceptualise (imagine) their size (scale) and distance, So Gan made some drawings and taught them about the size of the solar system, the Sun, and the planets, etc.

    Lanhua’s discomfort eventually became known around the village after Yang expressed his anger to a villager, who wanted to make some enquiry about her dreams. “Leave my sister alone. She can barely leave the house because of people like you following her around asking her if she’s had a dream about them. You talk to her with respect in your voice while showing her none. Just leave her alone”.

    News of Yang’s explosive speech spread quickly and eventually reached the elders, who informed the villagers that they were to would accede to Yang’s demand and stop bothering Lanhua. They made a rule that any dream concerning the villagers as a group or otherwise would be reported to them, and they would decide when or if it was to be shared.

    At first, there was a universal embarrassment throughout the village, soon calming which soon calmed down, however. And Lanhua found she could walk about as before. People still looked at her, but it was furtive, and soon reduced to almost nothing and she soon felt more normal. Boys, however, still stared as she walked passed, but not because of the dreams.
    .
    I am not a teacher or a native speaker.

  3. #3
    Tarheel's Avatar
    Tarheel is offline VIP Member
    • Member Info
      • Member Type:
      • Interested in Language
      • Native Language:
      • American English
      • Home Country:
      • United States
      • Current Location:
      • United States
    Join Date
    Jun 2014
    Posts
    22,720

    Re: ...gradually separated into...

    Try:

    Lanhua's discomfort eventually became known around the village after Yang expressed his anger to a villager who wanted to ask questions about the dreams.

    And:

    Boys, however, still stared as she walked by ....

    I don't understand how Gan knows so much more about the solar system than the other villagers. Also, asteroids are small and not normally visible to the naked eye. (The ones that are captured by Earth's gravity normally burn up in the atmosphere.)
    Not a professional teacher

  4. #4
    rodgers white is offline Senior Member
    • Member Info
      • Member Type:
      • English Teacher
      • Native Language:
      • Chinese
      • Home Country:
      • China
      • Current Location:
      • China
    Join Date
    Jan 2016
    Posts
    615

    Re: ...gradually separated into...

    Quote Originally Posted by Tarheel View Post
    Try:

    Boys, however, still stared as she walked by ....

    I don't understand how Gan knows so much more about the solar system than the other villagers. Also, asteroids are small and not normally visible to the naked eye. (The ones that are captured by Earth's gravity normally burn up in the atmosphere.)
    They watched the stars and asteroids by using the telescope made by Gan.
    Three passions have governed my life: the longing for love, the search for knowledge, and unbearable pity for the suffering of mankind.

  5. #5
    Tarheel's Avatar
    Tarheel is offline VIP Member
    • Member Info
      • Member Type:
      • Interested in Language
      • Native Language:
      • American English
      • Home Country:
      • United States
      • Current Location:
      • United States
    Join Date
    Jun 2014
    Posts
    22,720

    Re: ...gradually separated into...

    Gan must be genius. Do all the villagers look up to him because he's so smart?
    Not a professional teacher

  6. #6
    rodgers white is offline Senior Member
    • Member Info
      • Member Type:
      • English Teacher
      • Native Language:
      • Chinese
      • Home Country:
      • China
      • Current Location:
      • China
    Join Date
    Jan 2016
    Posts
    615

    Re: ...gradually separated into...

    Quote Originally Posted by Tarheel View Post
    Gan must be genius. Do all the villagers look up to him because he's so smart?
    Yeah, sort of. By the way, now I am enjoying the beautiful voice of The Weekend during the halftime show of Super Bowl LV. It's good.
    Last edited by rodgers white; 08-Feb-2021 at 02:39.
    Three passions have governed my life: the longing for love, the search for knowledge, and unbearable pity for the suffering of mankind.

  7. #7
    Tarheel's Avatar
    Tarheel is offline VIP Member
    • Member Info
      • Member Type:
      • Interested in Language
      • Native Language:
      • American English
      • Home Country:
      • United States
      • Current Location:
      • United States
    Join Date
    Jun 2014
    Posts
    22,720

    Re: ...gradually separated into...

    Quote Originally Posted by Tarheel View Post
    Gan must be a genius. Do all the villagers look up to him because he's so smart?
    Ron!
    Last edited by Tarheel; 08-Feb-2021 at 22:00. Reason: Fixed correction. Thanks to emsr2d2!
    Not a professional teacher

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •