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  1. #1
    alpacinoutd is offline Key Member
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    Julia stepped out of her room

    Is this correct and natural?

    Julia stepped out of her room in a graceful gown molded to her body. Leo somehow managed to keep his face straight. Her dress whispered her gorgeousness. She radiated sexuality like a waterfall spouted mist.
    "Did I tell you about this dress Leo? I saw yesterday at the mall. It was begging me to buy it, so I did," she said, twirling in the gown.

  2. #2
    emsr2d2's Avatar
    emsr2d2 is offline Moderator
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    Re: Julia stepped out of her room

    People only have to try and keep their face straight when they're trying not to laugh. I don't get the impression that Leo found her dress funny.
    Also, we say "try to keep a straight face".
    Remember - if you don't use correct capitalisation, punctuation and spacing, anything you write will be incorrect.

  3. #3
    alpacinoutd is offline Key Member
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    Re: Julia stepped out of her room

    Quote Originally Posted by emsr2d2 View Post
    People only have to try and keep their face straight when they're trying not to laugh. I don't get the impression that Leo found her dress funny.
    Also, we say "try to keep a straight face".
    Okay. What about this?

    Julia stepped out of her room in a graceful gown molded to her body. Leo somehow managed to hide his being impressed. Her dress whispered her gorgeousness. She radiated sexuality like a waterfall spouted mist.
    "Did I tell you about this dress Leo? I saw yesterday at the mall. It was begging me to buy it, so I did," she said, twirling in the gown.

  4. #4
    Amigos4's Avatar
    Amigos4 is offline VIP Member
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    Re: Julia stepped out of her room

    Quote Originally Posted by alpacinoutd View Post

    "Did I tell you about this dress Leo? I saw
    it yesterday at the mall. It was begging me to buy it, so I did," she said, twirling in the gown.

  5. #5
    alpacinoutd is offline Key Member
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    Re: Julia stepped out of her room

    Quote Originally Posted by Amigos4 View Post
    Thanks. Is that the only problem with it?

  6. #6
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    Re: Julia stepped out of her room

    Quote Originally Posted by alpacinoutd View Post
    Leo somehow managed to hide his being impressed.
    This sentence sounds awkward to me. I suggest something like: Leo somehow managed to hide his approval/surprise/amazement/favorable impression.

  7. #7
    alpacinoutd is offline Key Member
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    Re: Julia stepped out of her room

    Thanks. Now, could someone please tell what I can put instead of the underlined parts? I want to know if they can be replaced:

    Julia stepped out of her room in a graceful gown molded to her body. Leo somehow managed to hide his favorable impression. Her dress whispered her gorgeousness. She radiated sexuality like a waterfall spouted mist.
    "Did I tell you about this dress Leo? I saw it yesterday at the mall. It was begging me to buy it, so I did," she said, twirling in the gown.

  8. #8
    Tarheel's Avatar
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    Re: Julia stepped out of her room

    I would change part of it radically. She was showing off how good she looked in the new dress. She wanted to impress him. Why would he hide that he was indeed impressed?
    Not a professional teacher

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