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  1. #1
    alpacinoutd is offline Key Member
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    He had found peace in his heart.

    Is this correct and natural? How can I stylistically improve it?


    John's wife broke him by sleeping with his best friend. The nights became rough and endless. He would wake up wanting to tear the whole room apart. After a few weeks, he found himself on the verge of total derangement. On a rainy March morning, he went to a diner near the lake after yet another sleepless night. A lissome woman was sitting alone in a corner table, nursing a cup of coffee. For some reason, he approached her table. A puzzled look flickered her face.

    "May I help you?", she asked after showing him a life-giving smile. She was 35-ish, her blonde hair neatly bobbed.

    John shuffled reluctantly towards her. "Are you...are you Nicole? I think we went to the same high school," he said.

    "Yes, I am," she said.

    After two months of dating Nicole, John could sleep again. The volcano inside him ceased burbling. He had found peace in his heart, as if his wife never existed.

  2. #2
    Tdol is offline Editor, UsingEnglish.com
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    Re: He had found peace in his heart.

    Burbling?

  3. #3
    alpacinoutd is offline Key Member
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    Re: He had found peace in his heart.

    Quote Originally Posted by Tdol View Post
    Burbling?
    I didn't know what verb to use, burbling, gargling.

    Is that the only problem? What verb should I use?

  4. #4
    emsr2d2's Avatar
    emsr2d2 is offline Moderator
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    Re: He had found peace in his heart.

    I'm not sure either of them works for a volcano. "Rumbling" maybe? I'd say she broke his heart, rather than broke him.
    Remember - if you don't use correct capitalisation, punctuation and spacing, anything you write will be incorrect.

  5. #5
    Charlie Bernstein's Avatar
    Charlie Bernstein is offline VIP Member
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    Re: He had found peace in his heart.

    Rumbling, roiling, quaking?

    I'll take burbling, but I draw the line at gargling. Get a volcano gargling, next thing you know, it'll be rinsing and spitting.

    (Dentist office humor.)
    I'm not a teacher. I speak American English. I've tutored writing at the University of Southern Maine and have done a good deal of copy editing and writing, occasionally for publication.

  6. #6
    alpacinoutd is offline Key Member
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    Re: He had found peace in his heart.

    Is this okay?

    John's wife broke him by sleeping with his best friend. The nights became rough and endless. He would wake up wanting to tear the whole room apart. After a few weeks, he found himself on the verge of total derangement. On a rainy March morning, he went to a diner near the lake after yet another sleepless night. A lissome woman was sitting alone in a corner table, nursing a cup of coffee. For some reason, he approached her table. A puzzled look flickered her face.

    "May I help you?", she asked after showing him a life-giving smile. She was 35-ish, her blonde hair neatly bobbed.

    John shuffled reluctantly towards her. "Are you...are you Nicole? I think we went to the same high school," he said.

    "Yes, I am," she said.

    After two months of dating Nicole, John could sleep again. The volcano inside him ceased roiling. He had found peace in his heart, as if his wife never existed.

  7. #7
    Charlie Bernstein's Avatar
    Charlie Bernstein is offline VIP Member
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    Re: He had found peace in his heart.

    Quote Originally Posted by alpacinoutd View Post
    Is this okay?

    John's wife broke him by sleeping with his best friend. The nights became rough and endless. He would wake up wanting to tear the whole room apart. After a few weeks, he found himself on the verge of total derangement. On a rainy March morning, he went to a diner near the lake after yet another sleepless night. A lissome woman was sitting alone in a corner table, nursing a cup of coffee. For some reason, he approached her table. A puzzled look flickered across her face.

    "May I help you?", she asked after showing him a life-giving smile. She was 35-ish, her blonde hair neatly bobbed.

    John shuffled reluctantly towards her. "Are you...are you Nicole? I think we went to the same high school," he said.

    "Yes, I am," she said.

    After two months of dating Nicole, John could sleep again. The volcano inside him ceased roiling. He had found peace in his heart, as if his wife never existed.
    Ems is right, "broke" is an odd word choice not wrong or bad, but unexpected. If you like it, it's fine to keep it. But if you actually mean she broke his heart, change it.
    I'm not a teacher. I speak American English. I've tutored writing at the University of Southern Maine and have done a good deal of copy editing and writing, occasionally for publication.

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