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  1. #1
    alpacinoutd is offline Key Member
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    Patrick lay on his creaky bed.

    Is this correct and natural?

    Patrick lay on his creaky bed. As with every night, doubts crept into his head like a colony of termites crawling into a tree stump to eat it. Jane [his attractive colleague], ask out, boss, resign, quit—

    It was as if the words, those people were chasing each other on a loop in his mind.
    Last edited by alpacinoutd; 06-Feb-2021 at 20:53.

  2. #2
    Charlie Bernstein's Avatar
    Charlie Bernstein is offline VIP Member
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    Re: Patrick lay on his creaky bed.

    Quote Originally Posted by alpacinoutd View Post
    Is this correct and natural?

    Patrick lay on his creaky bed. As with every night, doubts crept into his head like a colony of termites crawling into a tree stump to eat it. Jane, his attractive colleague: Ask out. Boss: Resign, quit—

    It was as if the words, the people, were chasing each other on a loop in his mind.
    As always, punctuation is a roadmap.
    I'm not a teacher. I speak American English. I've tutored writing at the University of Southern Maine and have done a good deal of copy editing and writing, occasionally for publication.

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