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  1. #1
    alpacinoutd is offline Key Member
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    Julia went to the bathroom to apply make-up

    Is this correct and natural?

    Julia went to the bathroom to apply make-up, trying to get on with the rest of the day, but she felt a strange indifference. The day she found out her husband was cheating on him had changed her. She wondered if this was bound to happen, if she was cursed, doomed to have this life all along. On some level she blamed herself but her desire to get back at him overpowered all other thoughts and emotions racing through her head. For a few months, she pretended she didn't know. All is well darling. What a fantastic act. But dark urges lurked in her subconscious. Could she work up the courage to run over him with her minivan? Was he even worth it? Grab what you like in this house, and get out of this life. Be smart, be powerful. Get even. A thousand conflicting emotions roiled inside her head. Finally, she decided to let it all go and build a new life. Could she get rid of the negative thoughts lurking outside her consciousness?

  2. #2
    Charlie Bernstein's Avatar
    Charlie Bernstein is offline VIP Member
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    Re: Julia went to the bathroom to apply make-up

    Quote Originally Posted by alpacinoutd View Post
    Is this correct and natural?

    Julia went to the bathroom to apply make-up, trying to get on with the rest of the day, but she felt a strange indifference. The day she found out her husband was cheating on him had changed her. She wondered if this was bound to happen, if she was cursed, doomed to have this life all along. On some level she blamed herself, but her desire to get back at him overpowered all other thoughts and emotions racing through her head. For a few months, she pretended she didn't know. All is well, darling. What a fantastic act. But dark urges lurked in her subconscious. Could she work up the courage to run over him with her minivan? Was he even worth it? Grab what you like in this house, and get out of this life. Be smart, be powerful. Get even. A thousand conflicting emotions roiled inside her head. Finally, she decided to let it all go and build a new life. Could she get rid of the negative thoughts lurking outside her consciousness?
    Negative is too wonky. That's the first thing I'd change.

    More generally, you're using a lot of words for a simple situation. So I'd prune ruthlessly. Or as they say in Hollywood, cut to the chase.
    I'm not a teacher. I speak American English. I've tutored writing at the University of Southern Maine and have done a good deal of copy editing and writing, occasionally for publication.

  3. #3
    alpacinoutd is offline Key Member
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    Re: Julia went to the bathroom to apply make-up

    Quote Originally Posted by Charlie Bernstein View Post
    Negative is too wonky. That's the first thing I'd change.

    More generally, you're using a lot of words for a simple situation. So I'd prune ruthlessly. Or as they say in Hollywood, cut to the chase.
    Honestly, I was practicing and I was aware of that and I thought Charlie might say that! For example, with doomed and cursed I was fully aware one of them is redundant but I wanted put both of them to make sure they are both correct. So later if I needed to replace one with the other, I would have the option.
    Last edited by alpacinoutd; 07-Feb-2021 at 00:51.

  4. #4
    alpacinoutd is offline Key Member
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    Re: Julia went to the bathroom to apply make-up

    Is this better?

    The day she found out her husband was cheating on him had changed her. She wondered if this was bound to happen, if she was cursed to have this life all along. On some level she blamed herself, but her desire to get back at him overpowered all other emotions racing through her head. For a few months, she pretended she didn't know. All is well, darling. What a fantastic act. But dark urges lurked in her subconscious. Could she work up the courage to run over him with her minivan? Was he even worth it? Grab what you like in this house, and get out of this life. Be smart, be powerful. Get even. A thousand conflicting emotions roiled inside her head. Finally, she decided to let it all go and build a new life. Could she get rid of the gloomy thoughts lurking outside her consciousness?

  5. #5
    Tarheel's Avatar
    Tarheel is offline VIP Member
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    Re: Julia went to the bathroom to apply make-up

    Two things. One, a strange indifference to what? Two, you said she discovered her husband was cheating on him. Who does "him" refer to?
    Not a professional teacher

  6. #6
    Tarheel's Avatar
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    Re: Julia went to the bathroom to apply make-up

    What three word sentence deserves an exclamation mark?
    Not a professional teacher

  7. #7
    Tarheel's Avatar
    Tarheel is offline VIP Member
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    Re: Julia went to the bathroom to apply make-up

    Say:

    Finally, she decided to let it all go and build a new life for herself.

    Thoughts lurk?
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  8. #8
    emsr2d2's Avatar
    emsr2d2 is offline Moderator
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    Re: Julia went to the bathroom to apply make-up

    He was cheating on her.
    Remember - if you don't use correct capitalisation, punctuation and spacing, anything you write will be incorrect.

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