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  1. #1
    alpacinoutd is offline Key Member
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    Sasha was the most beautiful girl he had ever seen.

    Is this correct and natural?

    Sasha was the most beautiful girl he had ever seen. He stared into her deep blue eyes, feeling that his love for Tiffany was being lost in Sasha's eyes.

    I think it needs work. Any suggestions?

  2. #2
    Charlie Bernstein's Avatar
    Charlie Bernstein is online now VIP Member
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    Re: Sasha was the most beautiful girl he had ever seen.

    My suggestion: Just say eyes once.
    I'm not a teacher. I speak American English. I've tutored writing at the University of Southern Maine and have done a good deal of copy editing and writing, occasionally for publication.

  3. #3
    alpacinoutd is offline Key Member
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    Re: Sasha was the most beautiful girl he had ever seen.

    Is this okay?

    Sasha was the most beautiful girl he had ever seen. He stared into her deep blue eyes, feeling that his love for Tiffany was being lost in them.

  4. #4
    alpacinoutd is offline Key Member
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    Re: Sasha was the most beautiful girl he had ever seen.

    Is it too much to use "melt"?

    Sasha was the most beautiful girl he had ever seen. He stared into her deep blue eyes, feeling that his love for Tiffany was being melted in them.

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