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  1. #1
    alpacinoutd is offline Key Member
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    Jared went home to his wife later that night.

    Is this correct and natural?


    Jared went home to his wife later that night.

    "I felt lonely you selfish jerk," she said, nuzzling his neck and punching her affectionately.

    The image of Alice kept inviting itself into his mind as he dined with his wife. He stared at Jane, trying to push Alice out of his head. She is not welcome here a nagging sound in his head told him. Maybe I can love two women at once another voice said, as Jane grabbed his hand and directed him toward the bedroom. "A woman can only hold out for too long," she murmured. Jared didn't know whether he was making love to his wife or Alice that night. This will probably be a shit fest, he thought.

  2. #2
    emsr2d2's Avatar
    emsr2d2 is offline Moderator
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    Re: Jared went home to his wife later that night.

    Quote Originally Posted by alpacinoutd View Post
    Is this correct and natural?


    Jared went home to his wife later that night.

    "I felt lonely, you selfish jerk," she said, nuzzling his neck and punching her him affectionately.

    The image of Alice kept inviting itself wandering/drifting into his mind as he dined with his wife. He stared at Jane, trying to push Alice out of his head. She is not welcome here, a nagging sound voice in his head told him. Maybe I can love two women at once, another voice said, as Jane grabbed his hand and directed led him toward the bedroom. "A woman can only hold out for too so long," she murmured. Jared didn't know whether he was making love to his wife or Alice that night. This will probably be a sh*t fest, he thought.
    Note my changes above.

    With regard to the two blue underlined parts:
    1) When is she referring to? If she's talking about earlier that night, before he came home, use "I was lonely". If she's talking more generally, use "I feel/am lonely".
    2) That profanity really doesn't fit with the rest of the piece.
    Remember - if you don't use correct capitalisation, punctuation and spacing, anything you write will be incorrect.

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