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  1. #1
    alpacinoutd is offline Key Member
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    There was a dent on the frame

    I have written two versions of a situation. Are they okay? Which one is better?

    1. There was a dent on the frame, courtesy of her annoying stepbrother. The reddish brown cello was perhaps her best companion in this world. She lifted at and placed the bow on the strings. Cold notes cascaded down the cello as she drew the hair of the bow on the stings.

    2. The reddish brown cello was perhaps her best friend in this world. There was a dent on the frame, courtesy of her annoying stepbrother. She lifted at and placed the bow on the strings. Sorrow cascaded down the cello as the hair of the bow touched the stings.

  2. #2
    Charlie Bernstein's Avatar
    Charlie Bernstein is offline VIP Member
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    Re: There was a dent on the frame

    Quote Originally Posted by alpacinoutd View Post
    I have written two versions of a situation. Are they okay? Which one is better?

    This one:

    2. The reddish brown cello was perhaps her best friend in the world. There was a dent on the purfling, courtesy of her annoying stepbrother. She lifted it and placed the bow on the strings. Sorrow cascaded down the cello as the hair of the bow stroked the strings.
    Cellos don't have frames. If you mean the edge of the cello, that's called purfling.

    She wouldn't have touched the strings with the wooden part of the bow (called the bow stick), so you don't have to specify hair.

    To make readers believe you, obey physics. Touching the strings with the bow would not make music. You have to move the bow to make a sound.
    I'm not a teacher. I speak American English. I've tutored writing at the University of Southern Maine and have done a good deal of copy editing and writing, occasionally for publication.

  3. #3
    alpacinoutd is offline Key Member
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    Re: There was a dent on the frame

    Quote Originally Posted by Charlie Bernstein View Post
    Cellos don't have frames. If you mean the edge of the cello, that's called purfling.

    She wouldn't have touched the strings with the wooden part of the bow (called the bow stick), so you don't have to specify hair.

    To make readers believe you, obey physics. Touching the strings with the bow would not make music. You have to move the bow to make a sound.
    Charlie, the physics teacher and editor, par excellence.

  4. #4
    Tdol is offline Editor, UsingEnglish.com
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    Re: There was a dent on the frame

    And I learned a new word today with purfling.

  5. #5
    Charlie Bernstein's Avatar
    Charlie Bernstein is offline VIP Member
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    Re: There was a dent on the frame

    Quote Originally Posted by Tdol View Post
    And I learned a new word today with purfling.
    I did, too!
    I'm not a teacher. I speak American English. I've tutored writing at the University of Southern Maine and have done a good deal of copy editing and writing, occasionally for publication.

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