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  1. #1
    alpacinoutd is offline Key Member
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    Later that night we went to a restaurant

    Is this correct and natural?

    Later that night we went to a restaurant along the banks of the Thames. The London night was pleasantly cool. A soft breeze drifted up from the Thames to stroke our faces. The dinner was tender and the wine was as smooth as the flow of Thames.

    I'm specifically concerned about the last sentence.
    Last edited by alpacinoutd; 16-Feb-2021 at 18:41. Reason: edit restaurant

  2. #2
    emsr2d2's Avatar
    emsr2d2 is offline Moderator
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    Re: Later that night we went to a restaurant

    Before we go on to the rest, why have you capitalised "restaurant" in the title and in sentence 1? While I'm here, though, I have to say that there are far too many repetitions of "Thames".

    I promise you that once those are fixed, you'll definitely need to work on the final sentence!
    Last edited by emsr2d2; 16-Feb-2021 at 18:44.
    Remember - if you don't use correct capitalisation, punctuation and spacing, anything you write will be incorrect.

  3. #3
    alpacinoutd is offline Key Member
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    Re: Later that night we went to a restaurant

    Quote Originally Posted by emsr2d2 View Post
    Before we go on to the rest, why have you capitalised "restaurant" in the title and in sentence 1? While I'm here, though, I have to say that there are far too many repetitions of "Thames".

    I promise you that once those are fixed, you'll definitely need to work on the final sentence!

    It was a mistake. I fixed it. I can eliminate one of them:

    Later that night we went to a restaurant along the banks of the Thames. The London night was pleasantly cool. A soft breeze drifted up from the river to stroke our faces. The dinner was tender and the wine was as smooth as the flow of the Thames.
    Last edited by emsr2d2; 16-Feb-2021 at 18:45. Reason: Fixed capitalisation error in the title

  4. #4
    emsr2d2's Avatar
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    Re: Later that night we went to a restaurant

    Quote Originally Posted by alpacinoutd View Post
    It was a mistake. I fixed it. I can eliminate one of them:

    Later that night, we went to a restaurant along on the north/south banks bank of the Thames. The London night was pleasantly cool. A soft breeze drifted up from the river to stroke our faces. The dinner was tender and the wine was as smooth as the flow of the Thames water below us.
    See above.

    A restaurant can't be on both banks of the river at the same time. Choose one.
    I'm glad you chose to remove "brush" before "stroke".
    I've made a suggested change to get rid of the third instance of "the Thames".

    The only part left, and I think you know it doesn't work, is the underlined part. I haven't tried to correct it because I don't know exactly what you're referring to. Only certain types of food are described as "tender". It definitely doesn't work for an entire meal. Have another try.
    Remember - if you don't use correct capitalisation, punctuation and spacing, anything you write will be incorrect.

  5. #5
    alpacinoutd is offline Key Member
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    Re: Later that night we went to a restaurant

    Quote Originally Posted by emsr2d2 View Post
    See above.

    A restaurant can't be on both banks of the river at the same time. Choose one.
    I'm glad you chose to remove "brush" before "stroke".
    I've made a suggested change to get rid of the third instance of "the Thames".

    The only part left, and I think you know it doesn't work, is the underlined part. I haven't tried to correct it because I don't know exactly what you're referring to. Only certain types of food are described as "tender". It definitely doesn't work for an entire meal. Have another try.
    Thank you!

    Does this work?

    Later that night, we went to a restaurant on the north bank of the river. The London night was pleasantly cool. A soft breeze drifted up from the water below us to stroke our faces. The steak was tender and the wine was as smooth as the flow of the Thames.

  6. #6
    emsr2d2's Avatar
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    Re: Later that night we went to a restaurant

    That's much better but I'm not sure why you've chosen not to mention the name of the river until the final sentence. That's a little odd. Theoretically, you could have been eating at a restaurant on the bank of any river, and then decided to compare to wine specifically to the Thames. I'd put "the Thames" back into the first sentence and use "the river" in the final sentence.

    When you keep writing new versions of your piece, try not to make too many changes all at once. It's getting confusing keeping up with it.

    In post #1, you used "the Thames, then "the Thames", then "the Thames".
    In post #3, you used "the Thames", then "the river", then "the Thames".
    In post #4, I suggested "the Thames", then "the river", then "the water".
    In post #5, you used "the river", then "the water", then "the Thames".

    It's hard to keep track of all those changes. Try to change only the parts that we indicate are wrong or unnatural.
    Remember - if you don't use correct capitalisation, punctuation and spacing, anything you write will be incorrect.

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