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  1. #1
    rodgers white is offline Senior Member
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    ...squealed with delight...

    Hi there. Would you please proofread the following text? Any help would be appreciated.

    ************************************************** **********************************************

    The time of any given situation arrives when it does, sometimes expected, sometimes not, sometimes when expected, sometimes not. Gan kept an eye on the progress of the asteroids through his telescope but the time came when it was no longer necessary. One evening came when Lanhua could see them with her unaided eye. One moment there was nothing; the next a star was born.

    “There they are.” she said, pointing. “This is my first dream, we have to leave by 6th day at the latest, but we should begin at first light tomorrow”.

    Hearing Lanhua’s news caused a great deal of excitement, but no one panicked. They all knew what to do. Xiaohua stayed until 4th day, reluctantly leaving Gan in charge; not because she didn’t trust Gan but because she found it difficult to hand over her duties to anyone. Gan called out to Bailian who trotted over, leaving Weihu’s side. The pair were chatting with Lanhua and Xunying, and the two couples always seemed to be together these days Gan noted mentally.

    Bailian said, “ Yes, uncle Gan?”

    Gan said. “The Elder is leaving to supervise the villagers arriving at the cave; I’d like you to stay close in case I need a runner to take a message to her. Would you mind being that runner, you are the fastest in the village?”

    Bailian seemed to grow taller right before his eyes. Proudly she said, “It would be my honour, Uncle.”

    Bailian ran back to her friends. She and Lanhua squealed with delight, and Lanhua invited her to a sleepover for a few nights; excited, Bailian ran off to tell her parents.
    Three passions have governed my life: the longing for love, the search for knowledge, and unbearable pity for the suffering of mankind.

  2. #2
    Charlie Bernstein's Avatar
    Charlie Bernstein is offline VIP Member
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    Re: ...squealed with delight...

    Quote Originally Posted by rodgers white View Post
    Hi there. Would you please proofread the following text? Any help would be appreciated.

    ************************************************** **********************************************

    The time of any given situation arrives when it does, sometimes expected, sometimes not, sometimes when expected, sometimes not. Gan kept an eye on the progress of the asteroids through his telescope, but the time came when it was no longer necessary. One evening came when Lanhua could see them with her unaided eye. One moment there was nothing; the next a star was born.

    “There they are,” she said, pointing. “This is my first dream. We have to leave by sixth day at the latest, but we should begin at first light tomorrow”.

    Hearing Lanhua’s news caused a great deal of excitement, but no one panicked. They all knew what to do. Xiaohua stayed until the fourth day, reluctantly leaving Gan in charge, not because she didn’t trust Gan but because she found it difficult to hand over her duties to anyone. Gan called out to Bailian who trotted over, leaving Weihu’s side. The pair were chatting with Lanhua and Xunying. The two couples always seemed to be together these days, Gan noted mentally.

    Bailian said, “ Yes, Uncle Gan?”

    Gan said, “The Elder is leaving to supervise the villagers arriving at the cave. I’d like you to stay close in case I need a runner to take a message to her. Would you mind being that runner? You are the fastest in the village.

    Bailian seemed to grow taller right before his eyes. Proudly she said, “It would be my honour, Uncle.”

    Bailian ran back to her friends. She and Lanhua squealed with delight, and Lanhua invited her to a sleepover for a few nights. Excited, Bailian ran off to tell her parents.
    Your story is making good progress! You have a gift for storytelling.

    My suggestion: Avoid semicolons until you have completely mastered periods, commas, and question marks. Those are absolutely essential. Semicolons rarely are. Remember that punctuation should not be decorative.

    You don't need those semicolons. You do need the other punctuation. And you want it be right, right?

    So WAIT until you stop making punctuation mistakes. Wait until you don't have run-on sentences. THEN start experimenting with semicolons.

    (Have I said all that before?)

    I didn't remove all of them here, only the ones that were wrong or didn't work.
    Last edited by Charlie Bernstein; 20-Feb-2021 at 18:26.
    I'm not a teacher. I speak American English. I've tutored writing at the University of Southern Maine and have done a good deal of copy editing and writing, occasionally for publication.

  3. #3
    tedmc is offline VIP Member
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    Re: ...squealed with delight...

    I agree it is better and neater to fix those comma splices (which keep cropping up) with a full-stop/period, unless they are absolutely inseparable.
    I am not a teacher or a native speaker.

  4. #4
    Tarheel's Avatar
    Tarheel is offline VIP Member
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    Re: ...squealed with delight...

    Two things. One, is that first sentence necessary? Two, if Lanhua could see the asteroids without using a telescope they were so big that they were a threat to all life on earth. Is that your intent?
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  5. #5
    rodgers white is offline Senior Member
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    Re: ...squealed with delight...

    Quote Originally Posted by Tarheel View Post
    Two things. One, is that first sentence necessary? Two, if Lanhua could see the asteroids without using a telescope they were so big that they were a threat to all life on earth. Is that your intent?
    1. Yeah, that's what is in my mind when I am writing.
    2. Maybe it is not that big to form a threat to all life on earth. Perhaps it is really a threat to life in that area.
    Three passions have governed my life: the longing for love, the search for knowledge, and unbearable pity for the suffering of mankind.

  6. #6
    Charlie Bernstein's Avatar
    Charlie Bernstein is offline VIP Member
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    Re: ...squealed with delight...

    xxx
    I'm not a teacher. I speak American English. I've tutored writing at the University of Southern Maine and have done a good deal of copy editing and writing, occasionally for publication.

  7. #7
    Tarheel's Avatar
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    Re: ...squealed with delight...

    Let's just change everything while we're at it.


    Is there only one elder in the village? (I think not.)

    Maybe on some other planet a girl might be the fastest runner in the village. Not on this one.

    Does Lanhua know precisely where the asteroids are going to land and how much damage they are going to do? Does she plan to lead the villagers to a safe place? (If she can see the asteroids it is already too late.)

    Scientists these days can tell us when an errant asteroid will come relatively close to Earth, but they have access to powerful telescopes.

    They tell us the dinosaurs met their demise because of a meteor. The Earth must have rung like a bell when that one hit. The skies were darkened because of all the ash.
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  8. #8
    rodgers white is offline Senior Member
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    Re: ...squealed with delight...

    Quote Originally Posted by Tarheel View Post
    Let's just change everything while we're at it.


    Is there only one elder in the village? (I think not.)

    Not really. There was a kind of tribal council there, consisting of some respectable and elderly people. Xiaohua was head of the council.

    Maybe on some other planet a girl might be the fastest runner in the village. Not on this one.

    Haha, I have to agree with you on this. But don't forget everything is possible at certain time or certain occasion, especially in a sci-fi.

    Does Lanhua know precisely where the asteroids are going to land and how much damage they are going to do? Does she plan to lead the villagers to a safe place? (If she can see the asteroids it is already too late.)

    Yeah, Lanhua learns all this from her dreams and then her father Gan plans to lead the villagers to the cavern.

    Scientists these days can tell us when an errant asteroid will come relatively close to Earth, but they have access to powerful telescopes.

    Yeah, if you follow the sci-fi closely, you'll know Gan has access to a powerful telescope.


    They tell us the dinosaurs met their demise because of a meteor. The Earth must have rung like a bell when that one hit. The skies were darkened because of all the ash.

    I don't know what it would be like. But I really want to know what happened at that time. Of course, I hope it won't happen again, at least not during my time.
    Thank you for your time.
    Three passions have governed my life: the longing for love, the search for knowledge, and unbearable pity for the suffering of mankind.

  9. #9
    Charlie Bernstein's Avatar
    Charlie Bernstein is offline VIP Member
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    Re: ...squealed with delight...

    If Elder is a formal title, capitalize it. If it just means old person, don't.
    I'm not a teacher. I speak American English. I've tutored writing at the University of Southern Maine and have done a good deal of copy editing and writing, occasionally for publication.

  10. #10
    Tarheel's Avatar
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    Re: ...squealed with delight...

    No people were around at the time, so there were no eyewitnesses. (It's a good thing there were no people around. It would have been a disaster of the first magnitude.) Scientists tell us that when that meteor hit so much dust was thrown into the air that the sunlight was blocked from reaching Earth. When the plants that depend on sunlight for their existence died the dinosaurs that ate those plants died also. The only dinosaurs that are left are birds (the direct descendants of dinosaurs).

    When Tambora erupted it spewed so much volcanic ash into the air that the sun was blocked for months. It was called the year without a summer.

    (Tambora, a volcano in Indonesia, erupted in 1815. It was the year after that, 1816, that was called The Year Without a Summer.)
    Last edited by Tarheel; 23-Feb-2021 at 18:14. Reason: Add something
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