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  1. #1
    rodgers white is offline Senior Member
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    ...trepidation took form...

    Hi there. Would you please proofread the following text? Any help would be appreciated.

    ************************************************** **************************************************

    It wasn’t long before Meili was happily laughing on Moogh’s back with Suxin likewise behind her. By the time they reach the mountain top, the sun was getting low, but Yang called for a rest stop. Moogh was getting older, and he didn’t want his friend to suffer. They were soon on their way again, and now that Lanhua had seen the dream scene completed, she suggested they get moving.

    On their way down the trail, she spoke softly to her brother. “Maybe it’s just the difference between dream and reality, but those meteoroids look a lot closer than they did in my dream. As soon as we get off the mountain, I suggest we quicken our pace a little, just in case.”

    Lanhua’s slight trepidation took form when they were about two-thirds of the way back; she heard it first, an almost imperceptible deep rumbling sound. “It’s coming now!” She said.

    Yang told the girls to lie low on Moogh’s back and hang on as tightly as they could, then he slapped Moogh’s rump. “To the cave, Moogh, take the girls to the cave.”

    Moogh did not need to be told twice; he took off running at a gallop, a fast but rhythmic pace so that the girls wouldn’t fall. Meili screamed, and Suxin laughed with joy. Yang and Lanhua followed, running close behind. The rumbling sound was now a roar that filled their ears and their hearts.
    Three passions have governed my life: the longing for love, the search for knowledge, and unbearable pity for the suffering of mankind.

  2. #2
    Tdol is offline Editor, UsingEnglish.com
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    Re: ...trepidation took form...

    Is that really a slight trepidation?

  3. #3
    rodgers white is offline Senior Member
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    Re: ...trepidation took form...

    Quote Originally Posted by Tdol View Post
    Is that really a slight trepidation?
    Yeah, you are right. Maybe not.
    Three passions have governed my life: the longing for love, the search for knowledge, and unbearable pity for the suffering of mankind.

  4. #4
    Tarheel's Avatar
    Tarheel is offline VIP Member
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    Re: ...trepidation took form...

    How did "likewise" get in there? And how did a moose climb to the top of a mountain?

    This has got to be science fiction. Since that is the case, why not create an animal out of your imagination rather than pretending that a moose would let people ride on its back?

    It's possible that some people saw the asteroids once they had entered Earth's atmosphere.* (A comet came down in Siberia once. Many trees were knocked down.) They may have heard a loud noise.

    (I guess she meant to say "They're coming now.")


    -------------------------------------------------------------
    *Some people call them shooting stars.
    Last edited by Tarheel; 21-Feb-2021 at 03:44.
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  5. #5
    Charlie Bernstein's Avatar
    Charlie Bernstein is offline VIP Member
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    Re: ...trepidation took form...

    Hm. High drama, which is good.

    But abour one of your details: Is the roaring sound supposed to be the meteor? Did you ever watch shooting stars? Meteors move too fast to avoid. When they hit Earth, they do it in an instant. And they move much faster than the speed of sound, so even if you happened to look up see one coming, you wouldn't hear it.

    So I think the roaring has to go — unless it's not the meteor doing it. If it's not, I hope you'll get around to explaining what it is!
    I'm not a teacher. I speak American English. I've tutored writing at the University of Southern Maine and have done a good deal of copy editing and writing, occasionally for publication.

  6. #6
    rodgers white is offline Senior Member
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    Re: ...trepidation took form...

    --How did "likewise" get in there?
    -- It means Suxin was also happily laughing on Moogh’s back. Does it make sense?

    --This has got to be science fiction.
    --Yeah, it's a sci-fi.

    --Why not create an animal out of your imagination rather than pretending that a moose would let people ride on its back?
    --
    Haha, that's a good idea. Thank you.
    Last edited by rodgers white; 23-Feb-2021 at 08:16.
    Three passions have governed my life: the longing for love, the search for knowledge, and unbearable pity for the suffering of mankind.

  7. #7
    rodgers white is offline Senior Member
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    Re: ...trepidation took form...

    Quote Originally Posted by Charlie Bernstein View Post
    Hm. High drama, which is good.

    But abour one of your details: Is the roaring sound supposed to be the meteor? Did you ever watch shooting stars? Meteors move too fast to avoid. When they hit Earth, they do it in an instant. And they move much faster than the speed of sound, so even if you happened to look up see one coming, you wouldn't hear it.

    So I think the roaring has to go — unless it's not the meteor doing it. If it's not, I hope you'll get around to explaining what it is!
    You are right. It's out of imagination not based on science. Please help me fix it.
    Three passions have governed my life: the longing for love, the search for knowledge, and unbearable pity for the suffering of mankind.

  8. #8
    Charlie Bernstein's Avatar
    Charlie Bernstein is offline VIP Member
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    Re: ...trepidation took form...

    Quote Originally Posted by rodgers white View Post
    --How did "likewise" get in there?
    -- It means Suxin was also happily laughing on Moogh’s back. Does it make sense?

    --This has got to be science fiction.
    --Yeah, it's a sci-fi.

    --Why not create an animal out of your imagination rather than pretending that a moose would let people ride on its back?
    --
    Haha, that's a good idea. Thank you.
    I didn't get likewise, either. I figured I'd just missed something.

    And — moose? Is there a moose? I missed that, too.
    I'm not a teacher. I speak American English. I've tutored writing at the University of Southern Maine and have done a good deal of copy editing and writing, occasionally for publication.

  9. #9
    Charlie Bernstein's Avatar
    Charlie Bernstein is offline VIP Member
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    Re: ...trepidation took form...

    Quote Originally Posted by rodgers white View Post
    You are right. It's out of my imagination, not based on science. Please help me fix it.
    It doesn't have to be based on science. It just has to make sense. A roaring sound doesn't make sense. So just get rid of it.
    I'm not a teacher. I speak American English. I've tutored writing at the University of Southern Maine and have done a good deal of copy editing and writing, occasionally for publication.

  10. #10
    Tarheel's Avatar
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    Re: ...trepidation took form...

    OK. Try:

    It wasn't long before Melli and Suxin were riding on Moogh's back (Melli in front, Suxin behind), both of them happily laughing.

    One thing science fans are picky about is the science. (The writers of Star Trek always made sure that everything lined up with current scientific theory.)
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