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  1. #1
    alpacinoutd is online now Key Member
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    Jack slumped onto the battered couch.

    Is this correct and natural?

    Jack slumped onto the battered couch. They stared at each other blankly for a few seconds before Sara broke the silence. "Would you like some tea?", she asked, her voice flat and expressionless.

    "I'm good. I just need some air." Jack struggled to his feet and trudged towards the window. He struggled with the creaky handle to open the window. A soft wind brought smog and noise inside their living room. In the old days, they would argue about the window but Sara was beyond caring. She just looked at Jack with vacant eyes and she knew. They were still married but their passionate marriage was long gone.

  2. #2
    Tdol is offline Editor, UsingEnglish.com
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    Re: Jack slumped onto the battered couch.

    Smog? Really?

  3. #3
    alpacinoutd is online now Key Member
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    Re: Jack slumped onto the battered couch.

    Quote Originally Posted by Tdol View Post
    Smog? Really?

    Yes. It's a polluted city.

    Is the writing correct?

  4. #4
    Tdol is offline Editor, UsingEnglish.com
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    Re: Jack slumped onto the battered couch.

    I have lived in one of the worst cities for pollution and I never saw smog wafting in; that's all. The writing is fine, but I wonder whether soft wind is the best choice for such polluted air.

  5. #5
    alpacinoutd is online now Key Member
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    Re: Jack slumped onto the battered couch.

    I decided to change the last sentence to this:

    They were still together but their passionate marriage was long gone. Jack was still there, but that boisterous man she once loved was gone too.

    Does it work?

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