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  1. #1
    alpacinoutd is offline Key Member
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    He looked into her eyes, seeing a maze of blood vessels.

    Is this correct and natural?

    He looked into her eyes, seeing a maze of blood vessels. She was so tired that she saw streaks of red and white darting in and out of focus. She slumped on the bed, sneaking under the duvet. "Don't wanna sleep?" she asked.

    "You know something Emily? If I could, I would stay awake forever to look at your hair," he answered.

    "Okay. Suit yourself," she said, flicking off the bed lamp.

  2. #2
    tedmc is online now VIP Member
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    Re: He looked into her eyes, seeing a maze of blood vessels.

    She was so tired that she saw streaks of red and white darting in and out of focus.

    Is that for real?
    I am not a teacher or a native speaker.

  3. #3
    alpacinoutd is offline Key Member
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    Re: He looked into her eyes, seeing a maze of blood vessels.

    Quote Originally Posted by tedmc View Post
    She was so tired that she saw streaks of red and white darting in and out of focus.

    Is that for real?
    What do you mean?

    Is the writing correct and natural?

  4. #4
    Charlie Bernstein's Avatar
    Charlie Bernstein is offline VIP Member
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    Re: He looked into her eyes, seeing a maze of blood vessels.

    Quote Originally Posted by alpacinoutd View Post
    Is this correct and natural?

    He looked into her eyes, seeing a maze of blood vessels. She was so tired that she saw streaks of red and white darting in and out of focus. She slumped on the bed, sneaking under the duvet. "Don't wanna sleep?" she asked.

    "You know something Emily? If I could, I would stay awake forever to look at your hair," he answered.

    "Okay. Suit yourself," she said, flicking off the bed lamp.
    And of course he can't suit himself in the dark.
    I'm not a teacher. I speak American English. I've tutored writing at the University of Southern Maine and have done a good deal of copy editing and writing, occasionally for publication.

  5. #5
    alpacinoutd is offline Key Member
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    Re: He looked into her eyes, seeing a maze of blood vessels.

    Quote Originally Posted by Charlie Bernstein View Post
    And of course he can't suit himself in the dark.
    Is this a joke or do you mean the idiom doesn't work there?

    Is the rest okay?

  6. #6
    Tarheel's Avatar
    Tarheel is offline VIP Member
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    Re: He looked into her eyes, seeing a maze of blood vessels.

    Quote Originally Posted by alpacinoutd View Post
    Is this correct and natural?

    He looked into her eyes, seeing a maze of blood vessels. She was so tired that she saw streaks of red and white darting in and out of focus. She pulled the duvet up over herself. "Don't wanna sleep?" she asked.

    "You know something Emily? If I could, I would stay awake forever to look at your hair," he answered.

    "Okay. Suit yourself," she said, flicking off the bed lamp.
    My suggestion.
    Not a professional teacher

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