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  1. #1
    alpacinoutd is online now Key Member
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    Bernard looked out the window.

    Is this correct and natural?

    Bernard looked out the window. In the apartment across the street, a woman had stepped out of the shower. Silhouetted against orange glow of the lamp, she was wring her long hair. On the wall of her apartment, her hair's shadow loomed stretched and oversized.

    I know some parts can be omitted, but I want to make sure the whole thing is correct and then I will cut it.

    Also, what can I say instead of this part? : "shadow loomed stretched and oversized"

  2. #2
    Charlie Bernstein's Avatar
    Charlie Bernstein is offline VIP Member
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    Re: Bernard looked out the window.

    Quote Originally Posted by alpacinoutd View Post
    Is this correct and natural?

    Bernard looked out the window. In the apartment across the street, a woman had stepped out of the shower. Silhouetted against the orange glow of the lamp, she was wringing out her long hair. On the wall of her apartment, her hair's shadow loomed, stretched and oversized.

    I know some parts can be omitted, but I want to make sure the whole thing is correct and then I will cut it.

    Also, what can I say instead of this part? : "shadow loomed stretched and oversized"
    Add that comma and the phrase works okay. One neat writer's trick is to put the strongest word of a sentence last, like:

    On the wall of her apartment, stretched and oversized, her hair's shadow loomed.
    I'm not a teacher. I speak American English. I've tutored writing at the University of Southern Maine and have done a good deal of copy editing and writing, occasionally for publication.

  3. #3
    Amigos4's Avatar
    Amigos4 is offline VIP Member
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    Re: Bernard looked out the window.

    Quote Originally Posted by Charlie Bernstein View Post
    On the wall of her apartment, stretched and oversized, her hair's shadow loomed.
    I would rearrange "stretched and oversized". Is the apartment stretched and oversized? No.
    My suggestion: On the wall of her apartment, her hair's stretched and oversized shadow loomed.

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