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  1. #1
    alpacinoutd is offline Key Member
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    She trudged up the muddy path

    Is this correct and natural?

    She trudged up the muddy path to reach a flat area overlooking the city. The whole city bloomed bright beneath her. The noisy, flashy city she could never love. She was born and raised here but it had never been her home. It would never be. The wind blew somberly, ruffling the naked trees to her right.
    Last edited by alpacinoutd; 04-Mar-2021 at 20:04.

  2. #2
    Yankee is offline Senior Member
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    Re: She trudged up the muddy path

    Quote Originally Posted by alpacinoutd View Post
    Is this correct and natural?

    She trudged up the muddy path to reach a flat area plateau overlooking the city. The whole city bloomed glowed bright beneath her, the noisy, flashy city she could not love. She was born and raised here but it had never been her home. It would never be.
    My shot.

  3. #3
    alpacinoutd is offline Key Member
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    Re: She trudged up the muddy path

    Quote Originally Posted by Yankee View Post
    My shot.
    Sorry I edited my post just before you posted this.

    Is there no way I can use "bloom"?

  4. #4
    Tarheel's Avatar
    Tarheel is offline VIP Member
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    Re: She trudged up the muddy path

    It's as good a place as any for trudged.

    In the second sentence, "bloomed bright" is a nice touch.

    Finally, I might say:

    She had been born and raised there, but it had never felt like home, and it never would.

    I don't know if "Is it natural?" is the right question when you are trying to be creative, as you clearly are.

    Creative writing is always in a sense unnatural, because you are trying to be original. Having said that, you can say something in a creative way and still make it seem just right.

    It's s good effort.
    Not a professional teacher

  5. #5
    Tarheel's Avatar
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    Re: She trudged up the muddy path

    The wind blew somberly, ruffling the naked trees to her right.

    That's changes the tone of the piece in my opinion. It also personifies wind for some unknown reason.
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  6. #6
    Yankee is offline Senior Member
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    Re: She trudged up the muddy path

    Quote Originally Posted by alpacinoutd View Post
    Sorry I edited my post just before you posted this.

    Is there no way I can use "bloom"?
    You have my permission , but I can't picture a city blooming even though I suspect you are referring to its lights.

  7. #7
    Tarheel's Avatar
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    Re: She trudged up the muddy path

    One more thing. Yankee is right. You don't need whole before city.
    Not a professional teacher

  8. #8
    Charlie Bernstein's Avatar
    Charlie Bernstein is offline VIP Member
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    Re: She trudged up the muddy path

    Quote Originally Posted by alpacinoutd View Post
    Is this correct and natural?

    She trudged up the muddy path to reach a flat area overlooking the city. The town bloomed bright beneath her. The noisy, flashy place she could never love. She was born and raised here, but it had never been her home. It would never be. The wind blew somberly, ruffling the naked trees nearby.
    Ideas: One city is enough. The side the trees are on doesn't matter.

    Naked trees implies winter. Is that right? Just checking.
    I'm not a teacher. I speak American English. I've tutored writing at the University of Southern Maine and have done a good deal of copy editing and writing, occasionally for publication.

  9. #9
    emsr2d2's Avatar
    emsr2d2 is offline Moderator
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    Re: She trudged up the muddy path

    In several countries, a city and a town are different things. I would get rid of the repetition of "city" by saying something like:

    ... to a flat area overlooking the city, which bloomed bright beneath her.
    Remember - if you don't use correct capitalisation, punctuation and spacing, anything you write will be incorrect.

  10. #10
    Charlie Bernstein's Avatar
    Charlie Bernstein is offline VIP Member
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    Re: She trudged up the muddy path

    Quote Originally Posted by emsr2d2 View Post
    In several countries, a city and a town are different things. I would get rid of the repetition of "city" by saying something like:

    ... to a flat area overlooking the city, which bloomed bright beneath her.
    Oh! Good to know. In the US, a town can't always be called a city, but you can always call a city a town, as in: "New York, New York, it's a hell of a town.":

    I'm not a teacher. I speak American English. I've tutored writing at the University of Southern Maine and have done a good deal of copy editing and writing, occasionally for publication.

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