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  1. #1
    rodgers white is offline Senior Member
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    ...back half going...

    Hi there. Would you please proofread the following text? Any help would be appreciated.

    ************************************************** ************************************************** ****

    Gan, forced to rest, kept himself busy by thinking about the future and what ideas from his city he could use to benefit his new people without breaking his promise to keep the most advanced technology secret. Although his mind was full of such thoughts, it didn’t make him blind to the continuing attention his daughter was receiving from Xunying; but it did make him smile.

    It turned out that Xunying was the artist that had climbed to the mountaintop to draw the panoramic view of the valley, and Gan had been very impressed by his skill and ingenuity. Gan was now looking over Yang’s shoulder at a drawing Xunying had just handed him moments before. It was a beautiful but frightful depiction of Moogh’s run to the cave with Suxin and Meili on his back; this drawing, unlike the panorama, did not omit any emotion at all.

    Xunying had not been there, but like many others, Xunying had sat and listened to Suxin describing the event. Her added expressiveness of arms flailing and facial contortions as she mimicked Moogh, his eyes wide and nostrils flaring, his back half going one way while his front half went another, had made great entertainment. Gan had thought his granddaughter was a great little actress. This drawing, however; this drawing was beautiful, frightful, but beautiful.
    Three passions have governed my life: the longing for love, the search for knowledge, and unbearable pity for the suffering of mankind.

  2. #2
    tedmc is offline VIP Member
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    Re: ...back half going...

    Quote Originally Posted by rodgers white View Post
    Hi there. Would you please proofread the following text? Any help would be appreciated.

    ************************************************** ************************************************** ****

    Gan, forced to rest, kept himself busy by thinking about the future and what ideas from his city he could use to benefit his new (?) people without breaking his promise to keep the most advanced technology secret. Although his mind was full of such thoughts, it didn’t make him blind to the continuing attention his daughter was receiving from Xunying, but it did make him smile.

    It turned out that Xunying was the artist that had climbed to the mountaintop to draw the panoramic view of the valley, and Gan had been very impressed by his skill and ingenuity. Gan was now looking over Yang’s shoulder at a drawing Xunying had just handed him moments before. It was a beautiful but frightful depiction of Moogh’s run to the cave with Suxin and Meili on his back; this drawing, unlike the panorama, did not omit any emotions at all.

    Xunying had not been there, but like many others, Xunying had sat and listened to Suxin describing the event. Her added expressiveness of arms flailing and facial contortions as she mimicked Moogh, his eyes wide and nostrils flaring, his back half going one way while his front half went another, had made for great entertainment. Gan had thought his granddaughter was a great little actress. This drawing, however, this drawing was beautiful, frightful, but beautiful.
    .
    I am not a teacher or a native speaker.

  3. #3
    Tarheel's Avatar
    Tarheel is offline VIP Member
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    Re: ...back half going...

    That is quite mysterious. How and why was Gan forced to rest?

    You have invented a phrase (his city). Are the villagers his new people? What is the new technology, and why is he supposed to keep it a secret?

    I don't like "his mind was full of such thoughts". Instead, I suggest saying he was preoccupied with such thoughts.

    Gan was now looking over Yang's shoulder at a drawing Xunying had just handed him moments before.

    That's confusing.

    his back half going one way while his front half went another

    That's also confusing.

    Finally, try:

    The drawing was frightful but beautiful.
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  4. #4
    rodgers white is offline Senior Member
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    Re: ...back half going...

    Yeah, the villagers are Gan's new people. As for the new technology, Gan thought it had better keep a scret to avoid unnecessary trouble. I like your sentences : he was preoccupied with such thoughts and The drawing was frightful but beautiful. They are good.

    Gan was now looking over Yang's shoulder at a drawing Xunying had just handed him moments before.--- It just means Gan was taking a peek at Xunying's drawing.

    his back half going one way while his front half went another --- It's just the way to decribe Moogh to swerve to avoid running over the rocks.
    Three passions have governed my life: the longing for love, the search for knowledge, and unbearable pity for the suffering of mankind.

  5. #5
    Tdol is offline Editor, UsingEnglish.com
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    Re: ...back half going...

    Did the secrecy or his daughter's attention make him smile?

  6. #6
    Tarheel's Avatar
    Tarheel is offline VIP Member
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    Re: ...back half going...

    Perhaps:

    Yang was looking at the drawing, and Gan was looking at it too, peeking over Yang's shoulder.

    You might swerve to avoid hitting something in the road (an animal perhaps). That doesn't apply here. Try:

    Moogh carefully picked his way through the rocks.
    Last edited by Tarheel; 09-Mar-2021 at 02:58. Reason: Fix something
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