John leaned back on his chair, stretching his hands.

[alpacinou]

Is this correct?

John leaned back on his chair, stretching his hands. He then grabbed his iPhone. As he was texting, the door opened and a bunch of his colleagues came in one after another screaming and singing. Nicole was swirling a medium-sized cake, topped by sparklers. "Happy birthday John!," she said kissing his cheek. John stared at the sparklers slowly burning, splashing sparks. His eyes rested on the number on the cake. He sank into a reverie. When did I get so old? Even his crush, Nicole had aged, crow feet around her tired eyes. John had never found the courage to tell her about his feelings for her. He began to feel it that day. Feel the hours, the days slipping out of his hand, escaping. I'm past a point where making the most of life would matter, he thought. Nicole shook his shoulders, pulling him out of his reverie. "Make a wish grandpa," she said, wrapping her arms around him. I'm old enough to be a grandpa, except and I don't have a wife or a family.

 

[Tarheel]

Is this correct?

John leaned back in his chair, stretching his hands. He then grabbed his iPhone. As he was texting, the door opened and a bunch of his colleagues came in one after another screaming and singing. Nicole was swirling a medium-sized cake [no comma] topped by sparklers. "Happy birthday John!" she said, kissing his cheek. John stared at the sparklers slowly burning, splashing sparks. His eyes rested on the number on the cake. He sank into a reverie. When did I get so old? Even his crush, Nicole had aged, crow's feet around her tired eyes. John had never found the courage to tell her about his feelings for her. He began to feel it that day. Feel the hours, the days slipping out of his hand, escaping. I'm past a point where making the most of life would matter, he thought. Nicole shook his shoulders, pulling him out of his reverie. "Make a wish, grandpa!" she said, wrapping her arms around him. I'm old enough to be a grandpa, he thought, except that I don't have a wife or [STRIKE]a[/STRIKE] family.

John is really down in the dumps.

 

[alpacinou]

Thank you. Now that I'm sure it's correct, I'd like to improve the underlined parts, making them more elegant. I'd appreciate your comments:

John leaned back in his chair, stretching his hands. He then grabbed his iPhone. As he was texting, the door opened and a bunch of his colleagues came in one after another screaming and singing. Nicole was swirling a medium-sized cake topped by sparklers. "Happy birthday John!" she said, kissing his cheek. John stared at the sparklers slowly burning, splashing sparks. His eyes rested on the number on the cake. He sank into a reverie. When did I get so old? Even his crush, Nicole had aged, crow's feet around her tired eyes. John had never found the courage to tell her about his feelings for her. He began to feel it that day. Feel the hours, the days slipping out of his hand, escaping. I'm past a point where making the most of life would matter, he thought. Nicole shook his shoulders, pulling him out of his reverie. "Make a wish, grandpa!" she said, wrapping her arms around him. I'm old enough to be a grandpa, he thought, except that I don't have a wife or family.

 

[Charlie Bernstein]

Thank you. Now that I'm sure it's correct, I'd like to improve the underlined parts, making them more elegant. I'd appreciate your comments:

John leaned back in his chair, stretching his hands. He then grabbed his iPhone. As he was texting, the door opened and a bunch of his colleagues came in one after another screaming and singing. Nicole was swirling a medium-sized cake topped by sparklers. "Happy birthday John!" she said, kissing his cheek. John stared at the sparklers slowly burning, splashing sparks. His eyes rested on the number on the cake. He sank into a reverie. When did I get so old? Even his crush, Nicole, had aged, crow's feet around her tired eyes. John had never found the courage to tell her about his feelings for her. He began to feel it that day. Feel the hours, the days slipping out of his hand, escaping. I'm past a point where making the most of life would matter, he thought. Nicole shook his shoulders, pulling him out of his reverie. "Make a wish, grandpa!" she said, wrapping her arms around him. I'm old enough to be a grandpa, he thought, except that I don't have a wife or family.

As always, mind your commas.

In this version, if you're going to bracket Nicole with commas, you need to do it on both sides.

In the first version, the comma meant that Nicole was topped by sparklers. Without the comma, it means that the cake is topped with sparklers.

The one thing I'd do to make it more elegant is to just use reverie once.

 

[Tarheel]

There was something I thought I might change, but I changed my mind. Don't change anything.

 

[Charlie Bernstein]

There was something I thought I might change, but I changed my mind. Don't change anything.

I change mind about as often as I change my wiper blades.