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  1. #1
    alpacinoutd is offline Key Member
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    I was driving on a winding road

    Is this correct and natural?

    I was driving on a winding road flanked by mountains and a serpentine river on the right. From the gray heavens came down a powdery snow, coating the slopes of the mountains.
    The road was dusted with the crystalline flakes the sky was splashing.

  2. #2
    Charlie Bernstein's Avatar
    Charlie Bernstein is offline VIP Member
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    Re: I was driving on a winding road

    Quote Originally Posted by alpacinoutd View Post
    Is this correct and natural?

    I was driving on a winding road flanked by mountains and a serpentine river on the right. From the gray heavens came down a powdery snow, coating the slopes of the mountains.
    The road was dusted with the crystalline flakes the sky was splashing.
    Does "on the right" matter? It would if something were happening on the left. Only you know!

    We'd usually order the second sentence differently:

    - From the gray heavens a powdery snow came down.
    - A powdery snow came down from the gray heavens.

    But your order is more interesting. As long as you know it's unorthodox and like it that way, keep it.

    That "splashing" is the only big worry. Snow doesn't splash, especially not powder. What other verbs can you think of?
    I'm not a teacher. I speak American English. I've tutored writing at the University of Southern Maine and have done a good deal of copy editing and writing, occasionally for publication.

  3. #3
    alpacinoutd is offline Key Member
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    Re: I was driving on a winding road

    Quote Originally Posted by Charlie Bernstein View Post
    Does "on the right" matter? It would if something were happening on the left. Only you know!

    We'd usually order the second sentence differently:

    - From the gray heavens a powdery snow came down.
    - A powdery snow came down from the gray heavens.

    But your order is more interesting. As long as you know it's unorthodox and like it that way, keep it.

    That "splashing" is the only big worry. Snow doesn't splash, especially not powder. What other verbs can you think of?
    Thank you Charlie.

    Can I use "spray" instead of "splash"? What about "shed" or "sprinkle"?

  4. #4
    jutfrank's Avatar
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    Re: I was driving on a winding road

    Quote Originally Posted by alpacinoutd View Post
    The road was dusted with the crystalline flakes the sky was splashing.
    I don't like the bold part here. By using the active voice, you're asking the reader to turn his imagination from the snow settled on the ground back up to the snow falling from the sky. I think you need to stay there on the ground to complete this image. To do this, try changing the bold part into the passive voice, which you've already used in the first clause of the sentence (was dusted).

    Also, change the verb splash, as Charlie has already suggested.

  5. #5
    Tarheel's Avatar
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    Re: I was driving on a winding road

    Quote Originally Posted by alpacinoutd View Post
    Is this correct and natural?

    I was driving on a winding road flanked by mountains on the left and a serpentine river on the right. From the gray heavens came down a powdery snow, coating the slopes of the mountains.
    The road was dusted with newly fallen snow.
    My suggestions.
    Not a professional teacher

  6. #6
    alpacinoutd is offline Key Member
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    Re: I was driving on a winding road

    Can I use "spray" "sprinkle" or "shed" for snow?

    I understand that passive is better but would it work to say "the sky was spraying the mountains with a powdery snow"?

  7. #7
    jutfrank's Avatar
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    Re: I was driving on a winding road

    I have to assume you know what the word spray means. Do you really think that when it snows, it seems like the sky is spraying?

    What's the first thing you think of when you hear the word spray? What would you say constitutes the core sense of the word?

  8. #8
    alpacinoutd is offline Key Member
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    Re: I was driving on a winding road

    Quote Originally Posted by jutfrank View Post
    I have to assume you know what the word spray means. Do you really think that when it snows, it seems like the sky is spraying?

    What's the first thing you think of when you hear the word spray? What would you say constitutes the core sense of the word?

    Now that I think about it, it doesn't work. What about "sprinkle"?

  9. #9
    Tarheel's Avatar
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    Re: I was driving on a winding road

    We do use the word "sprinkle" sometimes to refer to rain. I've never heard it used to refer to snow however. That's probably because people don't think of snow the same way they do rain.
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