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  1. #1
    alpacinoutd is offline Key Member
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    John busied himself with his phone

    Is this correct and natural?

    John busied himself with his phone as the secretary made the call. She hung up. "You can go now, sir," she said waving her hand.

    He entered her office suite which was bigger than his entire flat. It was empty. "In here," she shouted from a room in the corner. John took uncertain towards the door, knocking twice gently. "Come in," she yelled.

    Opening the door, he found her on treadmill. A light sheen of sweat was trickling down on her arms and thighs. "My schedule is tight today. Let's get this over with. Who is the investor," she asked, swallowing water from a light green bottle.

  2. #2
    jutfrank's Avatar
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    Re: John busied himself with his phone

    I love the last paragraph. Very good.

    I didn't quite know how to read John took uncertain towards the door. It's an odd phrasing. Did you mean it?

    There are a couple of missing words I'm sure you'll catch if you proofread it properly. Remove on after trickling down.

  3. #3
    alpacinoutd is offline Key Member
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    Re: John busied himself with his phone

    Quote Originally Posted by jutfrank View Post
    I love the last paragraph. Very good.

    I didn't quite know how to read John took uncertain towards the door. It's an odd phrasing. Did you mean it?
    Thank you.

    Can I say "he walked timidly" or "he walked reluctantly" towards the door?

  4. #4
    jutfrank's Avatar
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    Re: John busied himself with his phone

    Well, it depends what you mean, of course. Those two words are very different.

    How exactly does he feel at that precise moment? Is he apprehensive about the meeting? Nervous? Curious?

  5. #5
    alpacinoutd is offline Key Member
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    Re: John busied himself with his phone

    Quote Originally Posted by jutfrank View Post
    Well, it depends what you mean, of course. Those two words are very different.

    How exactly does he feel at that precise moment? Is he apprehensive about the meeting? Nervous? Curious?

    He is both nervous and curious.

  6. #6
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    Re: John busied himself with his phone

    Quote Originally Posted by alpacinoutd View Post
    He is both nervous and curious.
    So was it just chance that those were the exact two words I chose? I wanted to get you to think a bit more about what exactly you want to describe. Sometimes I get the impression your word choice is based on what you think sounds good rather than based on what you really mean. I think you could spend a little more time building up the picture in your mind before putting pen to page. Get a clear idea of what you mean and then select vocabulary from there.

    Also, make sure you read your posts at least three times before you press 'send', to be sure you catch all the little mistakes.

  7. #7
    emsr2d2's Avatar
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    Re: John busied himself with his phone

    Quote Originally Posted by alpacinoutd View Post
    "My schedule is tight today. Let's get this over with. Who is the investor?" she asked, ...
    emsr2d2
    Remember - if you don't use correct capitalisation, punctuation and spacing, anything you write will be incorrect.

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